


The Normandy Noticeboard

by AbjectThread



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Awkward Flirtation, Crew as Family, Crew bonding, F/M, Funny, Humor, Just can't get no respect, Noticeboard shenanigans, Smart ass pilots, non-canon timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-07 18:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbjectThread/pseuds/AbjectThread
Summary: The Normandy has always had a large noticeboard hanging in the crew mess to enhance crew communication, foster social bonds and create unity. All crew members are allowed to post, and make comments. Let chaos reign!A series of random posts that appear on the Normandy's Noticeboard during the OT. NOTE: This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, simply because it's more fun!





	1. WELCOME TO THE BOARD

**Author's Note:**

> \--Just a heads up that I'm using a very loose interpretation of the character timelines, there are people from the SR-2 on the SR-1 and vice versa (eventually), simply because I have fun writing them.  
> Sorry not sorry :D

>>SHIP AI

to

>>ALL CREW

**0831, Day cycle Alpha.**

RE: Noticeboard

_Welcome to the SSV NORMANDY. This space is for notices and announcements that need to be communicated to any or all crew members. All crew members are permitted to post on this noticeboard via their Alliance profile once directly synced with the ship. Please keep all notices in adherence to Alliance code Section C, Subparagraph 24a regarding appropriate electronic communications. Current settings for the noticeboard:_

  1. _ALL CREW MEMBERS MAY MAKE POSTS, AT THE DISCRETION OF SENIOR OFFICERS_

  2. _AUTHORS MAY REMAIN ANONYMOUS_

  3. _POSTS WILL NOT BE PRE-APPROVED BY OFFICERS PRIOR TO RELEASE_

  4. _COMMENTS ENABLED_




_Please enjoy your time on the SSV NORMANDY._

* * *

>>FL JEFFREY MOREAU

to

>>ALL CREW

**0902, Day cycle Alpha.01**

 

RE: DON'T TAKE MY [redacted] FOOD

PRIORITY: HIGH

_Dear ALL CREW. I am staking my claim on the pastries in the galley fridge. No one is to touch these, steal these, or otherwise remove them while I am at the helm. Especially the cheese danish, God help the person that [redacted]'s with my cheese danish!!!!_

_Kind regards,_

_\--J_

 

 **COMMENTS ENABLED** :

>>0936, FL MOREAU. _I am absolutely serious about this guys._

>>0938, FL MOREAU _. I'm watching you Gardner._

>>1009, FL MOREAU. _ADAMS. GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF THE FRIDGE._

>>1011, ENG ADAMS. _I was just looking..._

>>1015, FL MOREAU. _WELL LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE._

>>1020, CMDR SHEPARD. _Joker. What did the AI JUST post about the appropriate use of this noticeboard._

>>1021, FL MOREAU. _It was a message vital to the survival of this mission and the mental wellbeing of a member of the crew. Ie: Me._

>>1023, CMDR SHEPARD. _Danish news is not a good reason to send a ship-wide message that interrupted my meeting with the Council about our impending doom at the hands of a race of sentient machines set on annihilating the universe. The AI said it was mission critical. I hung up on them._

>>10,23, FL MOREAU. _HAHAHAHAHA--_

 

====Message board locked by CMDR SHEPARD===

===FL JEFFREY MOREAU barred from posting for 3 DAYS by CMDR SHEPARD===

** _End of post._ **

* * *

>>MS RUPERT GARDNER

to

>>ALL CREW

**1251, Day cycle Alpha.01.**

RE: Bunk assignments.

 

_Please note that bunk assignments are listed below. These are allocated at random, and CANNOT BE CHANGED for any reason. Please do not ask me to reassign your pod. You will instead receive decaf coffee for a month._

_\--Gardner_

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED:**

>>1300, FL MOREAU. _Thank you ma'am_.

>>1305, MS GARDNER.  _That's MESS SERGEANT , Joker, NOT MY MARITAL STATUS._

>>1306, FL MOREAU.  _Yes Sir, Ma'am._

>>1307, CMDR SHEPARD.  _Joker how did you get around the comment ban..._

>>1308, FL MOREAU.  _Ah hahaha a magician never reveals his secrets..._

===FL JEFFREY MOREAU has been barred from posting for 5 DAYS by CMDR SHEPARD===

>>1345, FL MOREAU.  _Takes more than that to get rid of me Commander!_

>>1350, CMDR SHEPARD.     ...

**DAY CYCLE ALPHA.02**

>>0703, MS GARDNER  _has changed a file._

>>0710, LT KAIDAN ALENKO.  _Gardner. I thought you said bunk changes were prohibited._

>>0711, MS GARDNER.  _It was an emergency. I just shuffled things around a bit!_

>>0730, LT KAIDAN ALENKO.  _You moved yourself into the only unoccupied sector of the crew quarters, then extended two pods together to form a larger sleeping surface._

>>0735, MS GARDNER.  _Sir, it really was an emergency._

>>0737, LT KAIDAN ALENKO.  _Enlighten me._

>>0749, MS GARDNER.  _Joker sleep talks. You know what his mind is like. It was a scarring experience, I can't take any more. Plus my family has a history of arthritis, I'm just trying to head it off now since I'm not getting any younger. You know, for the good of the mission._

>>0750, LT KAIDAN ALENKO has removed BUNK ALLOCATION from MS RUPERT GARDNER's list of duties. LT KAIDAN ALENKO has reversed previous file change.

>>0752, LT KAIDAN ALENKO.  _Nice try._

**_End of post._ **

 


	2. Domestic Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things never change, space or not.
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>> SGT TELENSEN

to

>>ALL CREW

**0650, Day cycle Alpha.04**

 

RE: Laundry roster

_Normandy crew--_

_The laundry roster is posted below. Each sleeper pod section will have the opportunity to autoclave their clothing once per week only. If you require extra BDUs please see the requisitions officer. Please ensure you have checked that any non-Alliance issued clothing is autoclave-safe. Any other clothing will need to be sanitised elsewhere by the owner. No water on this ship is to be used for manual clothes washing._

_If you have questions or concerns please see me._

* * *

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED**

>>0936, FL MOREAU. _Whoever owns the Hanar onesie that is sitting next to the machine, I want one._

>>0942, ENG ADAMS. _It's Bossley's, she's a tech assistant down here. I've seen her wear it. It was everything I'd hoped for._

>>0959, FL MOREAU. _Does it glow when she speaks?_

>>1003, ENG ADAMS. _Unfortunately not, but it does say 'ENKINDLE THIS!' if you squeeze the right tentacle. It's Blasto merch._

>>1005, FL MOREAU. _EPIC._

 

**DAY CYCLE ALPHA.05**

>>1641, CMDR SHEPARD. _I don't know how you managed to get it aboard, but a sequined, bright pink tshirt that says “BOOTYLICIOUS” across the front is NOT appropriate wear aboard my ship. Whoever owns it can come to me and claim it, while also explaining how they can tolerate this abominable embarrassment of a shirt._

>>1710, FL MOREAU. _*Crickets chirping*..._

>>1715, CMDR SHEPARD. _Watch it Joker, you're on thin ice. I don't know how you're managing to get back into the system, but rest assured I WILL STOP YOU._

>> 1730, FL MOREAU. _I love you too, Commander._

 

_ **End of post.** _

* * *

>>MS RUPERT GARDNER

to

>>ALL CREW

**1422\. DAY CYCLE ALPHA.08.**

 

_By popular request bordering on mutiny, Tacos will be returned to the evening meal rotation. Anyone caught having a post-meal flatulence expulsion competition will never be served tacos again. EVER._

_Beware. I have a long memory._

_\--Gardener_

* * *

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED**

>>1444, TA HUTCHISON. _A 'post-meal flatulence expulsion competition'?_

>>1451, ENG ADAMS. _A farting contest. The tacos have beans in them._

>>1457, TA HUTCHISON _. Gross.... trust you to know that Adams._

>>1511, LIARA T'SONI. _Apparently the propensity of humans to produce gas is caused by the fermentation of indigestible substrates in the large intestine by tiny animals that live there. You have animals living inside you? How do they get there?_

>>1530, ENG ADAMS. _Well that just took a turn for the disgusting._

>>1536, TA HUTCHISON. _Only now...?_

 

**DAY CYCLE ALPHA.09.**

>>0831, LIARA T'SONI. _So how DO they get there? Do you eat them? Do they crawl in through your ears? It's fascinating..._

>>0840, CMDR SHEPARD. _Liara, this is not a conversation for the noticeboard. Please research this in your own time if you wish to know more about human digestion._

>>0845, LIARA T'SONI. _But I just want to know--_

 

====Message board locked by CMDR SHEPARD====

* * *

>>SGT TELENSEN

to

>>ALL CREW

**1140, Day cycle Alpha.08**

 

_Please note, the mass effect  drive core is not a clothes dryer. If your undersuit or armour is wet from a ground mission, please do not hang them there._

_We had to evacuate the whole deck from the smell._

* * *

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED**

>>1151, TA HUTCHISON. _We should get compensation for that. My sense of smell will never recover from that atrocity._

>>1232, CGO WILLIAMS. _What? We had to wade across a few rivers and I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it._

>>1233, LT ALENKO. _All due respect Chief, next time I'm going to space it._

>>1235, CGO WILLIAMS. Come on, it can't have been that bad.

>>1240, LT ALENKO. _Chief. He wasn't kidding. We really did evacuate that deck for 12 hours._

>>1243, CGO WILLIAMS. ... _Point taken sir._

_ **End of post.** _

 


	3. Movie Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!
> 
> A/N: Guys, I'm so pumped so many people have been enjoying the story :) Thanks for reviewing and following to let me know! I have a list of ideas going at the moment that I'll try to scribble down, I'm in the middle of Masters exam season which is keeping me busy... If you have any requests of what you would like to see in these please let me know! For now I'm just going to jump around, I'll start introducing more characters as well--we welcome Garrus this time around!
> 
> Also somehow this one became movie-themed. Go with it.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -AT

 

* * *

>>CGO WILLIAMS  
to  
>>ALL CREW

  
**1131, Day cycle Alpha.08**

  
_RE: Apologetic movie night_  
_In order to make up for the wet hardsuit fiasco, I have organised a movie night for tonight at 2000 hours in the Mess. I will be raiding Gardener's personal junk food cache hidden behind his digestive aids (Prunes? Really? What are you like 70?) and Joker will be bringing that bottle of tequila he's been poorly concealing in his laundry hamper._  
_We will be watching Lethal Weapon because Murtaugh is my spirit animal._  
_Williams_

  
**COMMENTS ENABLED**

  
>>1140, FL MORROW.  _I am so on board with this._  
>>1201, CMDR SHEPARD.  _Greatest movie franchise ever made. "Mind if I test drive your Audi?"_  
>>1210, LT ALENKO.  _"I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get all by themselves."_  
>>1220, CMDR SHEPARD.  _"God hates me, that's what it is."_  
>>1222, LT ALENKO _. "Hate him back, it works for me."_  
>>1231,CMDR SHEPARD.  _Didn't realise you were a such a fan Alenko, that could be dangerous..._  
>>1235, LT ALENKO.  _Oh?_  
>>1240, CMDR SHEPARD.  _Yeah. "I guess we need to register you as a lethal weapon."_  
>>1242, FL MORROW.  _-Barf noises-_  
===FL JEFFREY MORROW barred from posting for 1 day by CMDR SHEPARD===  
**_End of post._**

* * *

>>LT KAIDAN ALENKO  
to  
>>ALL CREW

  
**1700, Day cycle Alpha.08**

  
RE: Ground teams  
_As we begin our deployment, we will be implementing a protocol for ground team selection. The ground team will be selected by Commander Shepard, and no team member is allowed to 'swap out'. These teams will be selected based on specialties and mission parameters. If you have any concerns, please see myself or the Commander._  
_\--Alenko._

  
**COMMENTS ENABLED**

>>1711, G VAKARIAN. _Just as long as I don't have to work with Williams. She hums when she shoots things._  
>>1712, CGO WILLIAMS.  _Gee, thanks for that Vakarian!_  
>>1713, FL MORROW.  _This is the greatest. She has a battle song. What is it?_  
>>1715, G VAKARIAN.  _The theme song to that old Earth movie Die Hard._  
>>1716, FL MORROW.  _"YIPPIE-KI-YAY MOTHER[redacted]ER!"_  
>>1716, CMDR SHEPARD.  _JOKER._  
>>1717, FL MORROW.  _That hardly counts. It's a movie quote!_  
>>1719, CMDR SHEPARD.  _So help me Joker, I will do it, no matter how quickly you get back on the server! You know there are some ventilation shafts that could use a good clean... perhaps that would help you modulate your commentaries?_  
>>1720, FL MORROW.  _"Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a_  [redacted]in' _Christmas tree, a little turkey. But, no! I gotta crawl around in this mother_ [redacted] _in' tin can!"_  
>>1721, CMDR SHEPARD.  _Where's my gun?..._

**_End of post._ **

* * *

>>G VAKARIAN  
to  
>>ALL CREW

**0851, Day cycle Alpha.09**

  
RE: Get your own damn snacks  
_Whoever stole my dextro brownies, I will fight you for them._  
_Run and hide, my friend._  
_Run._  
_And._  
_Hide._

  
**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>0904, LIARA T'SONI.  _Garrus, that seems excessive._  
>>0907, G VAKARIAN. _Not in the slightest. They're really damn good brownies._  
>>0912, CGO A WILLIAMS. _Umm.... we may have eaten them at the movie night yesterday..._  
>>0913, G VAKARIAN. ...  
>>0915, LT ALENKO,  _Chief. They were dextro brownies? I thought Gardner had recycled the leftovers one too many times again..._  
>>0917, CGO WILLIAMS.  _I thought they were normal brownies! They were with all Gardener's other junk food, who keeps dextro food with levo food?!_  
>>0918, CGO WILLIAMS.  _If it's any consolation Garrus, I don't know about the L.T. but I spent the rest of the night worshiping the porcelain god..._  
>>0918, G VAKARIAN.  _That sort of does make me feel better._   _Williams, you will be buying my next pack and it will be the jumbo size. When are we in port next?_  
>>0918, G VAKARIAN.  _Williams, you will be buying my next pack and it will be the jumbo size. When are we in port next?_  
>>0918, CMDR SHEPARD.  _About 2 weeks._  
>>0919, G VAKARIAN.  _I'M ON MY WAY TO THE CARGO BAY WILLIAMS, YOU'D BETTER NOT BE THERE WHEN I ARRIVE._  
_CGO A WILLIAMS has logged off._

**_End of post._ **


	4. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

 

>>CGO WILLIAMS

To

>>ALL CREW

**0901, Day cycle Alpha.10**

RE: Public apology

 

_Dear all,_

_At the suggestion of LT Alenko I would like to extend you all an apology for the events of the last few days. Putting my wet hardsuit in the mass effect core to dry was not, it turns out, the genius idea I thought it would be. I would like to specifically apologise to the engineers and cargo bay crew for compromising your sense of smell. And getting you evacuated for 12 hours. I apologise._

_To those who attended the subsequent apology move night and ate dextro brownies I mistakenly thought were levo, I also apologise. On the (very dim) bright side, we did form a closer bond when we spent the next few hours throwing up._

_As a further peace offering, I will be buying the first round (and yes Garrus, your brownies) when we hit the Citadel in the coming week. I will even stand over on the other side of the room while they’re being made so my juju won’t contaminate them._

_Regretfully,_

_Williams._

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>0931, G VAKARIAN. _Thank you, Ash. I like my brandy Turian and triple distilled. It’s about 300 credits per bottle._

>>0934, CGO WILLIAMS. _My bank account can afford you a thimbleful Garrus. Use it wisely._

>>0940, G VAKARIAN. … _What’s a thimble?_

>>0945, LT ALENKO. _Well done Chief. As a side note you owe me a whiskey for every hour I spent in the head afterwards._

>>0946, LT ALENKO. _Which was four._

>>0947, FL MOREAU. _…OUCH. You must have abs of steel by now L.T._

>>0950, LT ALENKO. _Granite, actually. I’d done a workout beforehand._

>>0959, CGO WILLIAMS. _I may have to file for bankruptcy…_

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

>> CMDR SHEPARD

To

>>ALL CREW

**1030, Day cycle Alpha.10**

RE: Mako etiquette.

 

_After our first ground missions over the past few days I feel we need to set some ground rules for the Mako, just to make sure everyone is on the same page. LT Alenko and I have made this helpful list for you all._

  1. _Strapping in during drops is compulsory, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHEPARD IS DRIVING._
  2. _Screaming/yelling in fear during descent is frowned upon._
  3. _There are now sick bags in the side pockets of the doors. Use them at your discretion. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR BARF BAGS CLOSER._
  4. _Putting your hands over the driver’s face and shouting “_ Sight is a luxury we can’t afford! _” is expressly forbidden._
  5. _You break it, you buy it. I'M LOOKING AT YOU WREX._
  6. _You make the mess, you clean it up. I’M TALKING FOOD, BOTH INTACT AND REGURGITATED._
  7. _NO JOKES ABOUT GETTING LIFE INSURANCE (OR HAZARD PAY) WHILE SHEPARD IS DRIVING._



_See that you read and understand these rules before your next drop. If you have any questions, please speak to LT Alenko or Commander Shepard._

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1049, FL MOREAU. _I’ve made some useful additions to this announcement, please see the ALL CAPS above._

>>1055, LT ALENKO. _JOKER!_

>>1055, CMDR SHEPARD. _DAMN IT JOKER._

===FL JEFFREY MOREAU barred from posting for 5 DAYS by CMDR SHEPARD===

** _End of post._ **

* * *

 

>>G VAKARIAN

To

>>ALL CREW

**1621, Day cycle Alpha.10**

RE: Surrender your credits

 

_Tonight will be the first weekly Normandy poker game at the table in the Cargo Bay. Only those with hard currency or liquidatable assets need attend._

_Garrus_

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>> 1628, CGO WILLIAMS. _I’m so there!_

>>1630, G VAKARIAN. _Please see above re having money to put where your mouth is._

>>1632, CGO WILLIAMS. _Damn. Well I suppose I have other things I can wager until I win a few hands… what’s the temperature like in the Cargo Bay?_

>>1633, CMDR SHEPARD. _THERE WILL BE NO STRIP POKER ON MY SHIP, WILLIAMS. EVER._

>>1635, CGO WILLIAMS. _Party pooper…_

>>1636, CMDR SHEPARD. _What was that Chief Gunnery Officer?_

>>1637, CGO WILLIAMS. _Nothing Ma’am, sorry Ma’am!_

**_End of post._ **


	5. I lost the game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash loses the poker game, an insect infestation hits the Cargo Bay and Shepard prepares for Citadel shore leave!
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

CGO WILLIAMS

TO

ALL CREW

**1013, Day cycle alpha.11**

RE: ...

_1\. I secretly wear pink jammies in my sleeper pod. They are flannel and have duckies on them._

_2\. I sucked my thumb until I was five._

_3\. I once laughed so hard at boot camp I fell off a platform and was thereafter called 'Chuckles' by my drill sargaent._

_Two of these are true. I can't tell you which._

_F.u.c.k you Garrus._

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

1014, G VAKARIAN.  _I love this already._

1016, LT ALENKO.  _Uh... thanks for sharing Chief?_

1016, LIARA T'SONI.  _Jammies?_

1018, FL MOREAU.  _Special clothes humans wear to bed._

1021, G VAKARIAN.  _As I recall you have to pay up too Joker._

1030, FL MOREAU.  _UGH, fine. First time a a fighter jet I puked all over my flight instructor...twice._

1032, G VAKARIAN.  _Hahaha Top Gun indeed_

1032, LIARA T'SONI.  _Humans wear clothes to bed? Why?_

1035, G VAKARIAN.  _Well in WIlliams' case she just likes to feel pretty._

1036, CGO WILLIAMS.  _...please see above comment, Vakarian._

1038, G VAKARIAN.  _Don't forget Chief, you're not allowed to say anything._

1038, CGO WILLIAMS. -_-

1039, FL MOREAU.  _There, there Chuckles, this is a safe space!_

1040, CGO WILLIAMS.  _NO. THIS WILL NOT BECOME A THING. IT WILL NOT._

1041, CMDR SHEPARD.  _Well, you shouldn't have called his bluff then!_

1042, CGO WILLIAMS.  _DAMN IT GARRUS, I [This message has been deleted as it does not adhere to appropriate language standards.], I SWEAR TO GOD._

1040, LIARA T'SONI.  _Interesting...Asari don't wear jammies, we just sleep-_

===Message board locked by LT ALENKO===

_**End of post.** _

* * *

ST VITEK

TO

ALL CREW

**1213, Day cycle Alpha.12**

RE: Updated Mako rules

_Dear Ground Crew,_

_Please refrain from eating food in the Mako. Space roaches are tenacious little buggers and Donald is scared of them._

_Is there such a thing as galactic bug spray? I'd rather not need to find out._

_Kind regards,_

_Mako maintenance crew._

_**End of post.** _

* * *

SGT VITEK

TO

ALL CREW

**1541, Day cycle Alpha.12**

RE: Mako and Cargo Bay rules

_Dear Ground Crew,_

_Played bug whack-a-mole with a krogan warhammer is NOT HELPING THE SITUATION._

_Kind regards,_

_Mako maintenance crew._

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

1552,  _G VAKARIAN. But it's so much fun!_

1556, CMDR SHEPARD.  _DON'T SCRATCH MY SHIP, VAKARIAN, I JUST HAD IT DETAILED._

1559, G VAKARIAN.  _Wrex took his hammer back anyway... something about it being a priceless cultural treasure..._

1602, FL MOREAU.  _Lame._

1605, G VAKARIAN.  _Right?_

_**End of post.** _

* * *

CMDR SHEPARD

TO

ALL CREW

**0812, Day cycle Alpha.13**

RE: Shore leave

_I know you are all very excited to be on the Citadel for a few days of shore leave, I have written a list of handy hints (read: strict rules) so you lot don't get court martialled within five minutes of leaving the ship._

_1\. Every crew member is to be in full uniform while attending to official duties onshore. Only when you are on your own time can you wear your "I AM COMMANDER SHEPARD, AND THIS IS MY FAVOURITE CREWMEMBER ON THE NORMANDY" TSHIRT._

_2\. The Normandy and her crew and high profile representatives of both the Alliance and the Council. You will be expected to behave as such._

_3\. Anyone too hungover to perform their duties after we leave WILL BE SUMMARILY FORCED TO DRINK EVERY GROSS HANGOVER CURE I CAN THINK OF._

_arrested is discouraged._

_5\. BEER BEFORE LIQUOR, NEVER SICKER._

_6\. SHEPARD IS BUYING DRINKS AT FLUX AFTER SHE SAYS UP YOURS TO THE COUNCIL._

_Please remember that we are expected to be the pinnacle of military professionalism, both onboard and ashore. I trust you will deport yourselves appropriately._

_Shepard._

**COMMENTS ENABLED**

0815, FL MOREAU.  _I added some originals this time too!_

0819, CMDR SHEPARD.  _I SWEAR TO GOD JOKER WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU-_

0821, FL MOREAU.  _Shit shit shit, where's the eject button on this thing?_

_**End of post.** _

* * *

Hmm, shore leave sounds dangerous. What do you reckon they'll get up to? Leave your suggestions for me!


	6. Citadel Leave: Aftermath Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

A/N: Wow guys, so many great ideas came in, I couldn’t use them all in one chapter! Special mention to the suggestions from RapiDe, they had me chuckling hard on a really crappy day

 

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**0813, Day cycle Alpha.18**

RE: THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT ABOUT RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR

 

 **INCIDENT REPORT**. DAY CYCLE ALPHA 15, 0115 _UNIVERSAL GALACTIC CHRONOLOGY_

 **ATTENDING OFFICER:** [CMDR BAILEY, A0385]. [OFFICER KAYNAN, G5932].

 

 **COURSE OF EVENTS:** While on night patrol through the fourth quarter of the lower wards, Officer Kaynan investigated a disturbance when a patron was thrown through the window of a bar, Heat Sink. Upon entry, he found URDNOT WREX in an altercation with another man. Having convinced WREX not to destroy the next window, or the second man, Kaynan questioned him. It was discovered that the men had been trying to throw balled up napkins into the collar of the Krogan's armour without him noticing. They later admitted that they had succeeded with five napkins and several peanuts before one became fed up and poured his beer over WREX's head to see if he would notice that. Needless to say, he did.

 

After ensuring that neither were hurt, and assuring them that 'for human pyjaks they weren't so bad', WREX was released into COMMANDER SHEPARD's custody for further disciplinary action. Officer Bailey oversaw the handover. WREX returned to the Normandy and was advised to stay there for the remainder of their docking time.

 

**RESOLUTION: No arrest.**

**REPORT CLOSED.**

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

>>FL JEFFREY MOREAU

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1351, Day Cycle Alpha.18**

RE: YOU'RE FREAKING WELCOME.

 

_ This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view. _

_[Surveillance footage], 2230, Day cycle Alpha 15._

_Flux Bar, Corner booth._

WILLIAMS: _Guys, guys, watch this!_ [WILLIAMS proceeds to attempt a handstand, falls into a neighboring table. Companions FL MOREAU, TALI’ZORAH, GARRUS VAKARIAN, LT KAIDAN ALENKO, DR CHAKWAS, ENGINEER ADAMS laugh uproariously.]

LT ALENKO: _You alright there Chief?_ [He helps retrieve WILLIAMS from the mess of beer and the upturned table of belligerent batarians]

[WILLIAMS stumbles to her feet and falls against LT ALENKO.]

WILLIAMS: _Oops… howdy there sailor!_ _Come here often?_ [She giggles and stays close to LT ALENKO who attempts to extricate himself.]

LT ALENKO: Alright Chief, settle down now… [He manages to get her settled into a chair again, and turns to speak with the Batarians whose table she had upset]

FL MOREAU: Ash that was epic, who knew you had such flexibility!

WILLIAMS: Not just on the dance floor if you know what I mean, he he he [She visibly wiggles her eyebrows and leans into FL MOREAU, who looks like a stunned mullet]

FL MOREAU: Uhhh… [FL MOREAU mouths wordlessly]

VAKARIAN: Real smooth, Joker… [WILLIAMS bangs the table while laughing and tips over VAKARIAN’s drink. LT ALENKO quickly grabs his wobbling beer as he returns to the table.]

LT ALENKO: A round on us has placated them, we shouldn’t have any problems from them.

WILLIAMS: No, LET’S HAVE SOME FUN, I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING SOMEONE! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! [She takes a swing at the air and again falls into LT ALENKO  
LT ALENKO: Alright Chief, I think you’ve had enough tonight. [She straightens up, and leans toward VAKARIAN next to her]

WILLIAMS: Seriously, who invited the buzzkill? [She spreads her arms wide, standing and knocking into the table again]

WILLIAMS: “ _The niiiiiight is yoooouuung, we’re riding hiiiiigh”_ [She sings loudly, before being quickly stifled by TALI’ZORAH.]

TALI’ZORAH: Alright Ash, let’s go for a walk—get some air maybe? [WILLIAMS visibly pouts]

WILLIAMS: Noooo!! [She draws breath] _“The niiiiight is young…”_ [TALI’ZORAH snags her sleeve and quickly tugs her to her feet]

TALI’ZORAH: I’ll get her back to the ship, back to her pod. You all owe me a drink! [General cheers from the others, FL MOREAU raises his glass and slops some onto DR CHAKWAS]

_ End of content. _

 

 ** _End of post._**  

* * *

>>CGO ASHLEY WILLIAMS

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1416, Day cycle Alpha.18**

 

RE: EAT THIS JOKER

 

_ This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view. _

_[Surveillance footage], 0018, Day cycle Alpha 16._

_Flux Bar, Corner booth._

FL MOREAU: Woah woah woah back up their four-eyes, I didn’t mean it like that! [A batarian stands over their table, fists clenched. LT ALENKO stands and moves in front of Joker.]

LT ALENKO: Alright, alright, let’s settle it down boys—[Blue light flares around him as he raises his hands towards to oncoming batarians, taking his stance]

[The batarians converse in terse whispers, eyes shooting daggers at FL MOREAU from where his head pokes out behind LT ALENKO]

[Their lead lets out a final grunt and turns away]

FL MOREAU: YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN! [The batarian turns, snarling, and lunges at FL MOREAU]

FL MOREAU: [SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL]

[LT ALENKO deflects the oncoming the body, and escorts them from the club]

VAKARIAN: Misplace your balls for a second there, Joker?

[FL MOREAU gently bangs his head repeatedly against the table]

_ End of content _

__

**_End of post_ **

* * *

 

>>FL MOREAU

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1429, Day Cycle Alpha.18**

RE: You wanna do this Williams?

 

_ This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view. _

_[Surveillance footage], 2350, Day cycle Alpha 16._

_Presidium walkway, Financial District._

TALI’ZORAH: Ash come on, Shepard has a problem onboard and only you can help!

WILLIAMS: I’m coming, I’m coming I just… [WILLIAMS stares at the Presidium lake over the railing]

WILLIAMS: You know what, I really feel like a swim. When was the last time you went swimming Tali, I want to go swimming!

TALI’ZORAH: Quarians don’t swim Ash, too many waterborne microbes. Plus, my suit isn’t watertight.

WILLIAMS: OH MY GOD THAT’S THE SADDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH THOUGH? [WILLIAMS is obviously distressed, clutching TALI’ZORAH’s arm and staring into her faceplate.]

TALI’ZORAH: Quarians don’t have beaches Ash, we live on the flotilla remember? [WILLIAMS darts away from her, back towards the railing, and begins to strip off her jacket]

WILLIAMS: THAT’S IT, I CAN’T STAND IT, I’M GOING IN.

TALI’ZORAH: NO, ASHLEY DON’T YOU DARE—

[WILLIAMS vaults the barrier, one foot still in her pants and belly flops into the water. She splashes around for a moment until her head pops up to the surface.]

WILLIAMS: HOLY CRAP IT’S SO COLD, WHY ISN’T THIS POOL HEATED? [TALI’ZORAH looks on helplessly from behind the barrier]

TALI’ZORAH: Because it’s not a pool, genius, it’s a LAKE!

WILLIAMS: OMIGOD! I THINK I JUST SAW A FISH!!

_ End of content _

__

**_End of post._ **

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Citadel Leave: The Aftermath Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

 

>>1511, CMDR SHEPARD. _I’d better not see you for the next 24-48 hours Joker. You know why._

>>1512, FL MOREAU. _Aye aye, Cap’n._

>>1513, CMDR SHEPARD. _UGH._

* * *

>>ANONYMOUS

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1512, Day cycle Alpha.18**

 

RE: evening the score

 

_This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view._

_[Surveillance footage], 0229, Day cycle Alpha.16_

_Rainus Bar, centre table._

LT ALENKO: _I LUV ERRYONE IN THIS BARRRR._ [LT ALENKO stands between a group of other Alliance marines, arms slung over each other’s shoulders]

SOLDIER: WERRR FREAKIN’ BROTHERS IN ARMS, MAN [He pounds his fist to his chest. The others yell their approval and toast with their drinks]

LT ALENKO: _T’THE ‘LLIANCE, AND ALL FOR WHICH SHE (hic) STANDS!_

 

_[Surveillance footage], 0246. Day Cycle Alpha.16_

_Rainus Bar, stage._

 

LT ALENKO: _I’M WALKIN’ ON SUNSHINE, WUHH-OHHH, I’M WALKIN’ ON SUNSHINE, WUHHH-OH-UH-OHHHH_ [LT ALENKO leans on the microphone stand as the other soldiers in the bar slump onto the tables laughing]

 

* * *

 

_[Surveillance footage], 0255. Day Cycle Alpha.16_

_Rainus Bar, stage._

 

[LT ALENKO stares balefully at his glass of whiskey, somewhat dishevelled, still holding the microphone in his other hand]

 

LT ALENKO: _This goes out to someone special, a woman who doesn’t know how amazing she is. If things were different… anyway._ [LT ALENKO closes his eyes for a moment as the first strains of piano begin, swaying to the beat]

 _You’ll never know how much I love you_ …

 

[Catcalls and wolf whistles from the audience as his thousand-yard stare roves over them. A group of female soldiers in the corner are watching him with rapt attention. One leans her elbow on the table and sighs]

 

LT ALENKO: _You’ll never know how much I care…_

_And if I tried, I still couldn’t hide my love for you._

_You ought to know, for haven’t I told you so,_

_a million or more times._

[The female soldiers have slowly made their way forward to the front of the stage, staring up at LT ALENKO as he sings]

 

LT ALENKO: _You went away and my heart went with you_

_I speak your name in my every prayer_

_If there’s some other way to prove that I love you_

_I swear I don’t know how._

 

[The bar is silent now, male and female soldiers alike stunned into silence as LT ALENKO’s warm, gravelly voice fills every corner of the room]

 

LT ALENKO: _You’ll never know if you don’t know… nooooow—_ [LT ALENKO  takes a step forward as his voice rises in the final notes, not noticing that he is already at the edge of the stage. His foot lands on empty air and he falls headfirst into the gaggle of girls]

 

LT ALENKO: _Unnh_ [CRASH] _I think I sprained my dignity…_

_End of video._

 

* * *

_[Surveillance footage], 0332._

_The Normandy, Mess_

 

[LT ALENKO stumbles into the room with an ice pack held to his forehead to see WILLIAMS with her head in the fridge, wearing BDU pants and a pyjama shirt.]

 

LT ALENKO: _ASH! How’s it goin’? Greeaat party right?_ [He makes it to the nearest seat at a table and flops into it, eyes closed and a happy expression on his face.]

 

WILLIAMS: _L.T.! Man you missed some shit, Tali and I found fish in the Presidium lake!_

 

LT ALENKO: _Nooo…_ [LT ALENKO’s head droops and his smile fades. Whispers--] _I can’t believe I missed that…_

[WILLIAMS emerges from the fridge, victorious, clutching a bottle of milk and a packet of Thin Mints.]

 

LT ALENKO: Girls Scout Cookies? You have Girl Scout Cookies? CHIEF, you’ve been holding out on us. [He watches reverently as she pours two glasses of milk, tucks the cookies under her elbow and makes her way over to him, only weaving a little.]

 

WILLIAMS: _I brought a crate from earth. When I came on board my duffle bag was like 30% clothes, 70% cookies._

LT ALENKO: [Raises his glass of milk to her in a toast] _Gotta have your priorities right._

[They eat in silence for a few minutes, dunking cookies in the milk and sloshing quite a bit of it onto the table.]

 

WILLIAMS: _Looks like you had an adventure to. Get in a scuffle?_ [WILLIAMS indicates the ice pack]

 

LT ALENKO: [Sighing] _No… karaoke accident. Got too swept up in the song, missed the front of the stage. Headlong fall into a bunch of girls that were listening._ [LT ALENKO winces at the memory]

 

WILLIAMS: _YOU were singing Karaoke? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING? What did you sing? I bet you had all the girls eating out of your hand!_

 

LT ALENKO: _‘You’ll never know’, that old Earth song._

 

WILLIAMS: UGH, _should’ve known you were a romantic. So, who is she? Or he? Special lady friend? Special guy friend?_

 

[LT ALENKO chokes on his milk. Swearing, he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and takes a deep breath. Williams looks on, bemused.]

 

WILLIAMS: _Geez, I was just tryin’ to be inclusive you know?_ [She takes a bite of another cookie and stares at it minutely, oblivious to LT ALENKO’s continued discomfort]

 

LT ALENKO: _Uh, no Chief. No one waiting for me…_

 

WILLIAMS: [Still staring at the cookie, examining the chocolate on the outside] _Damn these are good…Come on, to choose that for drunk karaoke? There must be someone you were thinking of, surely. Handsome guy like you?_

 

LT ALENKO: _Look, Ash, ‘m flattered but—_ [WILLIAMS shoots him a withering look over what’s left of her cookie]

 

WILLIAMS: _Don’t get your knickers in a knot L.T., I’m just making conversation._ [LT ALENKO breathes an audible sigh of relief.] _I’ve got this guy back on Earth, he’s pretty good, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything you know? And the whole long-distance thing just reeks of bad news._

[LT ALENKO looks at her, considering, as she chugs the last of her milk and leans back.]

 

LT ALENKO: _I had a girl on Earth once, while I was serving. It’s tough being apart for so long. Can’t really feel like you’re sharing your lives right?_

 

WILLIAMS: _I don’t think it’s worth it right now. I’m moving about too much, and I dunno if he’ll hang around for me. Best leave it casual, Have some fun._ [WILLIAMS returns her gaze to him, where he’s slumped on the table and staring at his milk glass]

 

WILLIAMS: _There’s got to be someone you like, even just a little… come on there’s no one else around L.T.!_

[LT ALENKO sighs, propping up his chin on his hand and looking at WILLIAMS appraisingly.]

 

LT ALENKO: _There is someone… maybe…_ [WILLIAMS grins widely and throws up her hands in triumph.]

 

WILLIAMS: _I knew it!! Who is she? Is she hot? What’s she like?_ [LT ALENKO sighs, wincing slightly]

 

LT ALENKO: _She’s--  I don’t know what she is. Just, someone I like, I guess. She doesn’t even know, it’s… complicated._

WILLIAMS: _You like her, you drunk karaoked about her for goodness sake, what’s complicated about that? Ask her out! Is she on the citadel? Did you see her when we were on shore leave?_ [WILLIAMS gasps, hands flat on the table] _WAS SHE IN THE ROOM WATCHING YOU SING?_

 [LT ALENKO rolls his eyes and then considers for a second, trying to decide how much to divulge]

 

LT ALENKO: _No, she wasn’t there._ _Perhaps... someday. When ‘m not so wasted._

 

WILLIAMS: _Hahaha, good call L.T., you’d probably end up with your foot in your mouth if you tried now! Not sure you’d be able to form actual sentences…_

[LT ALENKO smiles vaguely, eyes resting infinitesimally on the door that leads to the commander’s cabin]

 

_End of video._

**_End of post._ **

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1515, CMDR SHEPARD: _YOU TOO KAIDAN? REALLY?_

 

>>1516, LT ALENKO. _Oh god…_

 

**_This post was deleted by CMDR SHEPARD._ **

**_This post could not be deleted._ **

**_This post was deleted by LT ALENKO._ **

**_This post could not be deleted._ **

**_This post was locked for viewing by CMDR SHEPARD._ **

**_This post could not be locked._ **

 

>>1523, ANONYMOUS. _Nice try._

>>1525, LT ALENKO. _Well_ , s _hit._

**_COMMENTS have been DISABLED for this post by LT ALENKO._ **

**_COMMENTS were DISABLED._ **

>>1527, ANONYMOUS. _I’ll give you that one. I’m not completely ruthless._

* * *

 

Hi all, hope you're all well :) Your reviews are keeping me going through the (beginning of) exams. I have a 10K report due on Tuesday and your comments really brighten my stressful days! Please keep them coming.

This was a bit of a set up chapter, hope you enjoyed and look forward to the many foot-in-mouth Kaidan/Shepard moments to come! One last story of Citadel leave to come.. can you guess who it is?

-AT


	8. Citadel Leave: The Aftermath Pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what did Shepard get up to?
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>>ANONYMOUS

TO

>>ALL CREW

 **1613, Day cycle Alpha.18**  

 

RE: not done yet…

 

_This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view._

* * *

 

_[Surveillance footage], 0014, Day cycle Alpha.16_

_Chora’s den, back room._

 

[CMDR SHEPARD sits at a poker table with a krogan, two salarians and DR CHAKWAS. Chips are piled in front of her and DR CHAKWAS, but only a few for the other players]

CMDR SHEPARD: _Raise._ [She throws a few into the pot, and leaves her cards face down on the table. She takes a sip of whiskey from the glass at her elbow]

DR CHAKWAS: _I’m bowing out, too rich for me._ [DR CHAKWAS drops her cards in the middle of the table and leans back in her seat to consider the rest of the play]

 

[The KROGAN, RENKIS, looks at his few remaining chips, and then back as his cards. Sighing he pushes them all into the centre of the table]

RENKIS: _All in._ [RENKIS fixes CMDR SHEPARD with a piercing gaze, growling a little in the back of his throat. She remains impassive as she returns his look]

[The salarians titter, before both fold]

 

RENKIS: _Alright, what’ve you got?_

CMDR SHEPARD: _You first._

RENKIS: _Read ‘em and weep._ [RENKIS carelessly flips his cards face up towards CMDR SHEPARD, watching her expression closely] _Two pair._

[CMDR SHEPARD remains silent for a moment, considering the cards, then looking up to meet one of the krogan’s beady eyes. Slowly, she flips her cards one by one.]

CMDR SHEPARD: _Full house. Aces full of Jacks._

[RENKIS blinks for a second, uncomprehending. Then with a resounding crash he overturns the table, spilling chips and cards all over the floor. CMDR SHEPARD instantly lowers into a combat position, wreathed in crackling blue fire and ready to strike]

 

RENKIS: _You cheated! You MUST HAVE CHEATED! No one can win that often, it’s not possible!_

CMDR SHEPARD: _I do._ [Her gaze is steely, challenging him to make the first move]

RENKIS: _I’LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND THEN EAT YOUR---_

[The unflappable DR CHAKWAS steps between them, calmly facing down a Krogan with its head down, ready to charge. The salarians run out of the room shrieking]

 

DR CHAKWAS: _Now, now, there’s no reason to get all riled up. I’m off duty, there will be no blood and gore until absolutely necessary, thank you very much!_

[RENKIS looked unconvinced but CMDR SHEPARD relaxes. He grumbles ominously for a moment, suspicious eyes ranging over CMDR SHEPARD, DR CHAKWAS and the table still askew on the floor]

[DR CHAKWAS retrieves a bottle of Ryncol and a few glasses from a table in the corner]

 

DR CHAKWAS: _How about one for the road, in the spirit of friendship Renkis?_

[RENKIS eyes her suspiciously for a moment, then gives a roar of approval, clapping CMDR SHEPARD on the back so hard she has to take a step forward.]

 

CMDR SHEPARD: [Quietly to DR CHAKWAS] _You sure you know what you’re getting into with that stuff Doc? I’ve heard it’s pretty gnarly… the crew tell lots of morning after mischief stories..._ [DR CHAKWAS chuckles lightly and pats CMDR SHEPARD’s arm]

DR CHAKWAS: _Never you mind Shepard, I’ve been around the block._ [CMDR SHEPARD still looks sceptical but holds her tongue. RENKIS picks up the table with one hand and sets it down face up with a crash. A second later three chairs are shoved into place around it and RENKIS is looking around in anticipation]

RENKIS: _Come on human, quit stalling and let’s get down to business._ [DR CHAKWAS remains unconcerned but CMDR SHEPARD is clearly wary. DR CHAKWAS pulls the stopper from the bottle and pours out three small glasses]

[RENKIS grabs his and downs it quickly before slamming the glass face down on the table. DR CHAKWAS looks somewhat amused but CMDR SHEPARD is inscrutable.]

 

RENKIS: _HA._ [He leans back in his chair, looking at the full glasses in front of them]. _I knew you didn’t have the quads… Can’t cheat at this one, ey? HAHAHA_ [He guffaws expansively. CMDR SHEPARD’s eyes narrow imperceptibly. She picks up her glass and downs it, all the while keeping eye contact with the Krogan. A second the later the glass has hit the table, empty. She coughs a little, but sits back in her chair again.

RENKIS: _Hmm..not bad. This one though—_ [He stops as in one fluid movement, DR CHAKWAS slams back her drink with practiced ease, and places the glass gently face down on the table. She smiles benignly. CMDR SHEPARD stares.]

CMDR SHEPARD: _…What… just happened?_ [DR CHAKWAS chuckles and pats her arm again]

DR CHAKWAS: _I never did tell you about my wild youth, did I?_

RENKIS: _And then things got interesting._ [RENKIS grins evilly, leering at DR CHAKWAS who remains unconcerned.

[She reaches for the bottle, the glasses are righted, and the challenge continues]

 

**0031, Round 2:**

[RENKIS downs his drink more slowly now, and lets out a growl as it burns down his throat. CMDR SHEPARD stares hard at her glass, before carefully picking it up, contemplating it, and then slowly swallowing the clear liquid. She shudders]

[DR CHAKWAS remains upright and self-possessed as ever, an empty glass already in front of her]

[CMDR SHEPARD stifles a burp, and leans close to DR CHAKWAS]

 

CMDR SHEPARD: _Karin… there’s a…small chance I haven’t thought this through…_ [CMDR SHEPARD has to steady herself by putting her arm on DR CHAKWAS’ chair. DR CHAKWAS grins]

DR CHAKWAS: Never you mind Shepard, I’ve got this one. [She winks conspiratorially]

CMDR SHEPARD: [Staring blearily through wide eyes as if she’s never seen DR CHAKWAS before] … _Who are you?_

 

**0041, Round 3**

[CMDR SHEPARD is a little slumped in her chair now, head not quite straight as she tries a little too hard to focus on the full glass in front of her. Her hand wanders a little on the way but she manages to find it eventually and swallow the contents, though it takes a few tries]

RENKIS: _Hahaha the great Commander Shepard can’t hold a drink ey?_ [He chortles too loudly, movements a little unsteady, but quietens when DR CHAKWAS looks at him with a raised eyebrow]

DR CHAKWAS: _Time to put your money where your mouth is?_ [Another drink disappears. Not a hair is out of place. RENKIS looks faintly concerned for the first time]

CMDR SHEPARD: _Y’know, ‘ve always wondered… do Krogan have to clean their teeth?_

[RENKIS stares at her, open mouthed, but no words come out]

 

**0055, Round 4**

[CMDR SHEPARD is leaning on the table with one elbow now, hand mashed into her face as it supports her head. She is absently singing to herself, eyes half closed and smiling. A full glass stands in front of her, untouched]

RENKIS: ‘ _lright, this one’s done!_ [RENKIS sounds very pleased with himself, leering at CMDR SHEPARD who remains oblivious.] _Can’t drink s’well as she can play cards._ [RENKIS’s words are slurring, eyes half closed, but he manages to remain upright]

CMDR SHEPARD: _You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, you put your left foot in and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and you turn ‘round, tha’s what s’all about!_

[DR CHAKWAS looks on bemusedly, a grin on her face. She says nothing but raises her glass, easily swallowing the contents in one go before setting it down. RENKIS looks somewhat apprehensively at his own glass as CMDR SHEPARD continues with her song]

DR CHAKWAS: _Never mind, I can take her share._ [Without missing a beat, DR CHAKWAS reaches for CMDR SHEPARD’s glass. With a deliberate gulp it, too, is emptied. RENKIS openly stares now]

CMDR SHEPARD: _Y’put your right foot in, you take y’right foot out, y’put your right foot in and shake it all about!_

RENKIS: _Damn. I’m not going to be shown up by some puny human._

[Blocking his nostrils with two fingers, he slams his drink back and lets out a roar as it burns down his throat. CMDR SHEPARD is startled out of her reverie with a squeak. DR CHAKWAS pats her hand reassuringly and CMDR SHEPARD settles back down and begins to hum happily]

 

**0101, Round 5**

CMDR SHEPARD and RENKIS: _Y’PUT YOUR RIGHT ARM IN, Y’TAKE YOUR RIGHT ARM OUT, Y’PUT YOUR RIGHT ARM IN N’SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT._ [RENKIS picks up CMDR SHEPARD by the front of her hardsuit, limp as a ragdoll, and shakes her as she giggles helplessly]

[DR CHAKWAS looks on bemusedly]

RENKIS: _MORE DRINKS!_ [RENKIS picks up his glass and slams it back down, empty, a moment later. The bottle is three quarters empty.] _SHEPARD! Y’NEED ‘NOTHER ONE TOO!_

[RENKIS pours her shot, some in the glass and some directly onto the table and hands it to her. CMDR SHEPARD seems to beyond tasting the spirit until she giggles halfway through swallowing it. She splutters and some comes out her nose, much to RENKIS’s delight]

[RENKIS cuffs her roughly on the back and she giggles some more. DR CHAKWAS shakes her head with a smile. CMDR SHEPARD totters to her feet, pushing her hair out of her eyes]

CMDR SHEPARD: _Y’DO TH’HOKEY POKEY ‘N YOU TURN AROUND, THA’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!_ [CMDR SHEPARD flops down into a chair, exhausted, leans back, and within a few moments her head is resting on her shoulder and she’s snoring lightly with her mouth open. RENKIS looks tremendously disappointed]

RENKIS: _My spirit sister…she’s gone…_ [A great tear leaks out of his eye and he clutches CMDR SHEPARD’s arm, trying to shake her awake. CMDR SHEPARD snorts and snuffles a little in her sleep, but remains unconscious]

DR CHAKWAS: _There, there, she’s just tuckered out. Poor thing’s had a big day._ [DR CHAKWAS pats his shoulder, and the Krogan still looks dejected. A moment later RENKIS’s own head has hit the table, and he’s snoring like a freight train. DR CHAKWAS rocks back on her heels, grinning down at the two sleeping forms before her.]

DR CHAKWAS: _And with that, my work here is done._ [DR CHAKWAS puts her hand to her stomach for a moment, and lets out a burp] _Ahh… yep, still got it. C’mon Commander, time for beddy-byes._

[DR CHAKWAS gets under CMDR SHEPARD’s shoulder and heaves her upright. CMDR SHEPARD stirs a little, and manages small shuffling steps toward the door]

 

CMDR SHEPARD: _Doc? Thanks f’havin’ my back. Iss real special ‘n I ‘ppreciate it._

DR CHAKWAS: _Always happy to serve Commander. Come on, you have a bed and a lot of aspirin waiting for you back on the ship._ [CMDR SHEPARD sighs happily, eyes still half closed as they walk across the bar to the door]

CMDR SHEPARD: _We gonna fly away ‘n see the stars? I like stars…they’re pretty and twinkly._ [DR CHAKWAS can’t quite stifle a chuckle as she guides CMDR SHEPARD to the exit]

 

_End of content._

**_End of post._ **

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1641, CMDR SHEPARD. _Duck._

>>1651, LT ALENKO. _Duck?_

>>1655, CMDR SHEPARD. _Can’t say another four-letter word._

>>1657, LT ALENKO. _Ah. I feel your pain._

>>1701, FL MOREAU. _THIS IS ACTUALLY THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE EVER. THE HOKEY POKEY SHEPARD? REALLY??_

>>1702, CMDR SHEPARD. _Joker._

>>1704, FL MOREAU. _SERIOUSLY I AM NEVER GOING TO LET THIS DROP. I WILL SCREEN IT EVERY MORNING IN THE MESS. I WILL PUT IN ON SOME HOLO-BILLBOARDS, I’LL BROADCAST IT ON THE—_

 

==FL JEFFREY MOREAU barred from posting for 4 DAYS by CMDR SHEPARD==

==Message board locked by CMDR SHEPARD==

 

>>1708, ANONYMOUS. _There’s more where that came from Shepard… you know what I’m talking about._ _It’ll come out when you least expect it…prepare yourself._

>>1710, CMDR SHEPARD. _Oh boy._

 

* * *

 

How are you guys liking the surveillance vids? I really enjoying writing them, it’s fun to outline a scene as well as ridiculous announcements (more of which are coming!)

Hope you enjoyed more of Shepard’s shenanigans, she’s just as bad as the rest of them! And who knew Chakwas could outdrink a Krogan? Thanks for RapiDe for that one, though switched a marine for a krogan


	9. Roach Races

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just had a few minutes to scribble something down something quick; Masters exams are keeping me away!
> 
> -AT
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

 

* * *

>> SGT VITEK

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1041, Day cycle Alpha.22**

RE: Cargo Bay Rules Mark 2

 

_Dear Ground Crew,_

_Rounding up the space roaches and having races does not constitute a solution to the infestation. Pt Donald is now refusing to work in the aby without an envirosuit on._

_Also, I can still see cockroach guts on the floor from where one got squished._

_Kind regards,_

_Mako Maintenance Crew._

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

1045, CGO WILLIAMS. _Vakarian, you still owe me 50 credits from last night’s round. Pay up buddy!_

1050, G VAKARIAN. _Will you take a cheque?_

1051, CGO WILLIAMS. _BITE ME._

1053, G VAKARIAN. _That’s a no then…_

1112, FL MOREAU. _I think she took exception when you sniped her cockroach with the welding laser._

1115, G VAKARIAN. _BUT IT KEPT BLOODY WINNING I MEAN COME ON._

1117, CGO WILLIAMS. _JUST BECAUSE MY SPACE COCKROACH WAS FASTER THAN YOURS DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO EXPLODE IT._

1120, FL MOREAU. _Explode it?_

1121, G VAKARIAN. _It’s a surprisingly adequate description. Who knew cockroaches would explode if shot with a high-powered argon laser._

1125, FL MOREAU. _Sweeeeeeet, are there any more? I want to see!_

1126, CMDR SHEPARD. _I don’t like where this is going…_

**_End of Post._ **

* * *

 >>SGT VITEK

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1130, Day cycle Alpha.22**

RE: An addendum

 

_Dear Ground Crew,_

_Please note the welding laser is not a toy. Nor is it designed for pest control._

_It will literally melt your skin off._

_You have been warned._

_Kind regards,_

_Mako Maintenance Crew_

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

1141, FL MOREAU,  _But what if--_

1141, CMDR SHEPARD.  _NO, JOKER._

1142, FL MOREAU.  _Fine..._

_**End of Post** _

* * *

 >>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**2210, Day cycle Alpha.22**

Re: What did I tell you…

**AUTOMATED INCIDENT REPORT _[GENERATED BY NORMANDY VI]_**

**TIME:** 2139, Day cycle Alpha.22.

 **LOCATION** : Cargo Bay

 **INCIDENT:** At 2139, G VAKARIAN was brought to the Medical Bay, after sustaining an injury in the Cargo Bay while accompanied by CGO WILLIAMS and FL MOREAU. During “routine maintenance”, the welding laser “went haywire” while CGO WILLIAMS was attempting repairs to the Mako. The welding laser beam hit a stack of crates containing edible dry goods, which began to combust. Smoke detectors in the Cargo Bay were triggered and the fire retardant foam was deployed from all ceiling fixtures. The fire was extinguished, though G VAKARIAN suffered minor singing to his fringe in the process. No other injuries were apparent, aside from several dead cockroaches distributed over the bay.

**End of report.**

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

2213, CMDR SHEPARD. _YOU THREE. TOMORROW AT 0500 YOU WILL BE IN THE CARGO BAY WITH MOPS AND BUCKETS. UNTIL THEN, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CLEAR THE MESS. That way it will be maximally sticky for these geniuses tomorrow. Have fun!_

2216, G VAKARIAN. _But—_

2216, CMDR SHEPARD. _0430 now Garrus!_

2217, FL MOREAU. _Commander, I—_

2218, CMDR SHEPARD. _0400! I can do this all day boys._

2230, CMDR SHEPARD. _Annnnnd checkmate, suckers!_

**_End of Post._ **

* * *

Brighten my day! Leave a review :)

Thanks for reading!


	10. Engagement (The shoot-y kind)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

Thanks to all who brightened my day!

* * *

 

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1146, Day cycle Alpha.23**

 

RE: Team announcement

Dear all,

As you know we are approaching Khaje in anticipation of our next ground mission. A group of asari commandoes have gone quiet and Asari High Command have requested that we look into it. We have no further information about why they are there, or what we may be up against.

I therefore expect that each crewmember be held in a state of readiness so we can address any threat as it arises.

LT Alenko, Garrus and Tali will be joining me on the ground team. Those of you on C shift this week are on Echo alert in case things go south. All others are to remain on the ship, ready to assist as needed.

\--Shepard.

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1154, FL MOREAU. _Uhh Commander? You might want to get up to the cockpit… the planet is lighting up._

>>1155, CMDR SHEPARD. _Lighting up? Like how?_

>>1156, FL MOREAU. _Like REALLY FREAKING BIG BOOM!!_

>>1157, CMDR SHEPARD. _And you’re letting me know via THE NOTICEBOARD?_

>>1158, LT ALENKO. _GROUND TEAM SCRAMBLE. MAKO DROPPING IN 3 MINUTES._

>>1159, CMDR SHEPARD. _THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT COMMS ARE FOR._

_\----_

>>1204, FL MOREAU. _Team announcement: Crankypants has been deployed. Beer anyone?_

>>1205, CMDR SHEPARD. _THE NOTICEBOARD IS LINKED TO MY OMNITOOL, GENIUS._

>>1206, FL MOREAU. _Oh dear… ever have that feeling when you know there’s an axe hanging over your head, it just hasn’t arrived at its destination yet…_

>>1210, CMDR SHEPARD. _An accurate summation of your current situation, Joker._

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1718, Day cycle Alpha.23**

 

RE: Action today

Dear Crew,

After the action today, I feel we all need a bit of a break and to let some steam off. I’m told the repairs to the ship will take approximately 12 hours, so I would like to invite you all to the Mess tonight at 2000 for a movie night. As a reward for his actions today, Joker will be choosing the movie.

Please BYO (YOUR OWN, NOT GARRUS’S) snacks, and I’ve heard the Commander has rustled up a few beers from somewhere.

You’ve all earned ‘em.

\--Shepard.

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1722, FL MOREAU. _Jus fly down to the planet joker seriusly whats the big deal? Yeah joker, who cares if the ship might get hit by the GIANT CANNONS shooting laser beams into the sky?_

>>1723, FL MOREAU. _But joker we need an evac noooooow, they’re shooting at us… YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY’RE SHOOTING AT ME TOO DAMMIT._

>>1724, CMDR SHEPARD. _Joker…_

>>1726, FL MOREAU. _An ‘m sure the guns they had pointed at me were like FIFTY TIMES BIGGERRRRR_

>>1727, LT ALENKO. _Joker, you—_

>>1729, FL MOREAU. _I TREAT MY BABY RIGHT, I DIN’T WANT TO GET HER SCRATCHED UP AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. IT’S A FRIGGIN CATASTROPHE._

>>1731, LT ALENKO. _JOKER! GET A GRIP!_

>>1735, FL MOREAU. _I CAN’T GET A GRIP, THAT’S HOW I BROKE MY ARM. AND ALL MY RIBS. STUPID CANNON WITH ITS STUPID LASER BEAM OF STUPID._

>>1737, CGO WILLIAMS. _He’s high as a kite…the sound like some sweet pain meds._

>>1740, DR CHAKWAS. _I’d give him 15 minutes and he’ll be out like a light. He’s got no tolerance for narcotics._

>>1743, FL MOREAU. _Just talk about me like I’m not here why don’t you? It’s not like you ALL OWE ME YOUR LIVES. PEW PEW PEW, DUCK, SWERVE AND HE BEATS THE LASER BEAM, PERFORMS AN EFFORTLESS PICKUP OF GROUND TEAM, FLIES OFF INTO THE SKY_

>>1745, CGO WILLIAMS. _And then gets the ablating on the left wing blown up so we’re dead in the air for 12 hours…_

>>1748, FL MOREAU. _I’d like to have seen you do better Williams! One of the beams went wide and blew up a freaking satellite, IT BLASTED IT STRAIGHT AT US. ANYONE ELSE AND YOU’D ALL BE SMEARED ALL OVER THE PLANET SURFACE. YOU’RE DAMN WELCOME._

>>1751, LT ALENKO. _And we’re grateful for your contribution Joker._

 ----

>>1759, CGO WILLIAMS. _It’s suddenly quiet…. Too quiet…._

>>1806, CGO WILLIAMS has uploaded an image.

[JOKER is slumped forward in his seat, face smooshed into the console beneath the holo controls with a little string of dribble creeping down his cheek.]

>>1810, CGO WILLIAMS. _Yeah, he’s toast. That can’t be comfortable._

>>1821, LT ALENKO. _Did you at least move him?_

>>1829, LT ALENKO. _Ashley?_

>>1843, CMDR SHEPARD. _Poetic justice._

 

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1951, Day cycle Alpha.23**

 

RE: Movie night

Party’s starting in the Mess now people, Joker has since revived (sort of) and is currently picking the movie…That is not an excuse for not attending.

\--Shepard

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1955, G VAKARIAN. _Need I remind you what his last choice was, Shepard? You’re willing to put us all through that AGAIN?_

>>1956, CGO WILLIAMS. _You just don’t appreciate Monty Python, Garrus, you’re in the minority here! The Holy Grail is a classic._

>>1957, CMDR SHEPARD. _No comment._

>>1959, G VAKARIAN. _But… what the heck does ‘Ni’ mean? And why do knights say it? AND WHAT IS A SHRUBBERY?_

>>2001, CGO WILLIAMS. _Ok I’ll give you that one, it’s probably unintelligible for a non-human. But the point stands, it’s an excellent movie._

>>2005, G VAKARIAN. _The main characters spend the whole movie jumping around pretending to ride other animals and using the husk of a plant to simulate the sound._

>>2009, TA HUTCHISON. _Uhhh.. what?_

>>2011, CGO WILLIAMS. _They use coconuts to make clip-clop noises and pretend they’re riding on horses._

>>2013, TA HUTCHISON. _Ahh classic._

>>2015, CGO WILLIAMS. _See? Hutchison gets it Garrus!_

>>2016, G VAKARIAN. _Guess I’m just defective then._

>>2017, CGO WILLIAMS. _You said it, not me!_

>>2020, G VAKARIAN. _I did like the part where the knight got both his arms chopped off and then said “it’s a flesh wound.”_

>>2023, CMDR SHEPARD. _That’s because it’s something you would say… One day you’re going to take a rocket to the face or something then get up and keep going. Nutcase._

>>2025, G VAKARIAN. _I like to call it ‘remaining resilient in the face of adversity’._

>>2027, DR CHAKWAS. _As the Doctor here, I like to call it stupid._

>>2028, G VAKARIAN. _Dr Chakwas! You wound me…_

>>2030, DR CHAKWAS. _No, that’s from when you ran into the middle of a firefight today to swipe a new gun mod from a mercenary._

>>2031, CMDR SHEPARD. _Yeah, that sounds about right._

>>2032 G VAKARIAN. _Are we starting this movie yet??_

>>2035, CGO WILLIAMS. _Hmmm._ _I like the turn this conversation took._

>>2037, G VAKARIAN. _Yeah yeah Chuckles._

>>2038, CGO WILLIAMS. _IT IS NOT A THING._

* * *

And we leave it there because I haven’t got too much time to write more now. But I have plans for the rest of their evening hehehe… What do you reckon is going to happen? What movie will Joker pick? WILL GARRUS EVER APPRECIATE MONTY PYTHON? (Probably not) And Shep’s bringing beer… that can’t end well.

 

\--AT


	11. The Blasto Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

Aaaaaaaand we’re back! Guys, guys, guys I’ve finished my master’s exams! So intensely pumped not to have any more 10 hour study days. Still not quite sure what to do with myself, so I wrote a longer chapter for you all. Got a bit stuck on it for a while but hopefully ended up ok.

Enjoy!

\--AT

* * *

 

[The crew of the NORMANDY are spread out in the Mess some slouching on a few couches that have been moved into the middle of the room, some remaining strategically within reaching distance of the case of beer on a nearby table. FL MOREAU has plonked himself in the middle, arm in a sling and moving gingerly while trying to subtly sneak sips of a beer he has hidden under the cushion next to him. DR CHAKWAS, standing across the room, is oblivious]

[CGO WILLIAMS and LT ALENKO enter, holding two giant bowls of popcorn each]

CGO WILLIAMS: Alright, alright, sit your asses down and let’s get this shit happening! [CGO WILLIAMS flops down on the couch next to FL MOREAU who yelps in pain, pulling his arm away from her and scowling.]

FL MOREAU: Geez, watch where you’re putting your ass Williams, my bones are already in more pieces than they are intended to be!

CGO WILLIAMS: You should be pleased Joker, my ass is my best asset, you’re lucky to have it near you! [Everyone winces]

FL MOREAU: Ugh…

CMDR SHEPARD: [Sits on FL MOREAU’s other side, cracking open a beer and settling back into the couch] Ok Joker, what have you picked for us tonight?

FL MOREAU: Since we’re all on track to become galactic heroes as we hunt down a rogue agent bent on ending life as we know it with odds stacked against us, but a plucky and courageous crew to stand in his way, I felt we all needed some lessons. I mean, after today I’m already there so really I chose this as an education for all of you when you finally achieve my level of greatness.

[CGO WILLIAMS rolls her eyes and smacks FL MOREAU upside the head, while WREX growls and ENGINEER ADAMS pitches a handful of popcorn at him from across the room to everyone’s amusement]

FL MOREAU: Ow! Ok, I get it, too far! [He ducks away from CGO WILLIAMS, grimacing] Fine, we’re watching Blasto alright?! Geez, what does it take to get a little appreciation around here?

[A chorus of groans from the assembled crew]

G VAKARIAN: Blasto, Joker? _Really?_

FL MOREAU: [Grinning evilly] Well Shepard did say I could choose... and he even has his own catchphrase for every time he saves the universe! We could learn a thing or two.

CMDR SHEPARD: Still got to save the universe first, buddy.

FL MOREAU: Well, yeah, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, right?

[LT ALENKO picks his way through the entire crowd flopped on blankets and cushions pulled out of the stores, accidentally tripping on someone and knocking a beer flying as he carefully wends his way towards the couch. FL MOREAU, CMDR SHEPARD and CGO WILLIAMS all watch as he finally stumbles over to them, looks around unconvincingly and fixes on the empty space next to CMDR SHEPARD]

LT ALENKO: Oh, guess there’s a free spot there.

CGO WILLIAMS: [Rolls her eyes and whispers under her breath to him] Real smooth cowboy.

LT ALENKO: [Eyes narrow as he glances at CMDR SHEPARD who is now conveniently talking to TA HUTCHISON behind her] Alright, laugh it up Chuckles.

[CGO WILLIAMS shoots him a dirty look behind CMDR SHEPARD’s back. LT ALENKO settles back into his seat, looking quite pleased at the necessity of being right next to CMDR SHEPARD from the lack of space. CGO WILLIAMS gives a disgusted sigh and flicks on the holoscreen that covers the entire blank wall of the Mess]

FL MOREAU: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Blasto 8: Blasto Reloaded!

[The title sequence starts with a booming crescendo of sound and the shot pans over a decimated urban landscape on the edge of forest to find Blasto, crouched behind a cargo container under heavy fire, an assault rifle in one tentacle and a line of heat sinks slung over his thorax, apparently held there with shear willpower. A camouflage bandana is balanced precariously on the horn-like protrusions on his head]

G VAKARIAN: Why the heck is he wearing that thing on his head? [Blasto extends a tentacle around the container and fires wildly into the band of guerrillas poorly concealed behind a clutch of trees behind him. He somehow manages to hit all of them and they crash to the ground writhing in overexaggerated pain and cursing his name.]

LT ALENKO: It’s an Earth thing. You’re supposed to wear those colours on your clothing so you blend into the landscape around you when you’re in a forested area.

G VAKARIAN: And that stupid thing on his head is supposed to distract them from the fact that he looks like a giant, pink, glowing soap bubble?

LT ALENKO: Hey, it’s Blasto, I never said it made sense!

FL MOREAU: [Somewhat tipsy now] _THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT AMAZING._

[FL MOREAU reaches for his beer tucked between him and CMDR SHEPARD and freezes as DR CHAKWAS’ voice rings across the room]

DR CHAKWAS: Joker! You’d better not be doing what I think you’re doing or so help me, I’ll lock you in the medbay where you ought to be!

[FL MOREAU looks panicked for a moment, until CMDR SHEPARD takes the bottle from his hand]

CMDR SHEPARD: He was just holding my beer for me Doc, nothing to worry about!

DR CHAKWAS: Isn’t that your beer in your other hand? [CMDR SHEPARD looks down at her own beer, and hesitates for a moment]

CMDR SHEPARD: Ummm…. I’m double fisting?

DR CHAKWAS: [Unimpressed] You want to stick with that story?

CMDR SHEPARD: [Pauses for a moment, thinking hard] …Uhhhh yep, nothing better is coming to me.

[DR CHAKWAS rolls her eyes in long-suffering resignation and pointedly turns away so she doesn’t see FL MOREAU take his beer back from CMDR SHEPARD]

FL MOREAU: Ooph that was close… think she bought it?

CMDR SHEPARD: Unless she’s completely blind I’d say no, Joker, she saw straight through us. [FL MOREAU slumps a little further down his seat]

FL MOREAU: I’m going to pay for this one tomorrow… she always withholds the good pain meds when I don’t stick to her rules.

DR CHAKWAS: [Not looking over her shoulder] Got to keep you in line somehow Joker.

[FL MOREAU groans]

* * *

 

_An hour later._

 

[On screen, Blasto is fighting his way through an abandoned facility having lost all of his team of nameless soldiers of inferior calibre within moments of leaving the shuttle. The mercenaries’ accuracy has subsquently deteriorated as he rapidly floats between pockets of cover despite a steadfast barrage of automatic fire, and he closes in on the ringleader hidden in the lair beyond]

[FL MOREAU attempts to pass G VAKARIAN the now half-empty popcorn bowl]

G VAKARIAN: Spirits! Keep that stuff away from me, it smells like a mix of Varren fart and Elcor pee!

CMDR SHEPARD: [Eyebrows raised] And you have experience in both of those I take it?

G VAKARIAN: [Pushing the bowl back towards Joker] Hey I worked for C-Sec for a bunch of years. There are things I can never unsee…or in this case un-smell.

[CGO WILLIAMS sniggers]

TALI Z’ORAH: He’s right though, I’m about to block my suit oxygen ports just to keep it out, how do you eat that stuff? [FL MOREAU stuffs an overly large handful into his mouth, letting several pieces fall onto his chest and cast.]

FL MOREAU: Cause it’s amazing! Must be a dextro thing… It reminds me of old Earth movie theatres that are perpetually covered in a layer of salt and popcorn grease until you feel like you’ll never get the smell out of your nose…[He sighs wistfully]

[LT ALENKO reaches too casually behind CMDR SHEPARD to grab a bowl before passing it on and conveniently forgetting to remove his arm from the couch behind CMDR SHEPARD. CGO WILLIAMS watches the whole charade with a pain expression, and elbows him in the ribs sharply from where she is now sitting on his other side]

CGO WILLIAMS: [Hissing under her breath] What are you, a horny 15 year old trying to make a pass at the prettiest girl in school? You may as well have just gone with the yawn-and-stretch routine to do that.

LT ALENKO: [Eyes all innocence] Don’t know what you’re talking about Chief.

[CGO WILLIAMS sighs, muttering to herself as Alenko settles back again looking pleased with himself. CMDR SHEPARD remains oblivious.]

[Blasto takes a hit to a tentacle, collapsing to the ground as mercenaries begin to advance on his position. The young female turian love interest flutters her mandibles and gives a high pitched wail using her subharmonics, rushing to Blasto’s side and cradling another of his tentacles to her heart]

_Female turian: Oh Blasto, I’ll never survive without you, please, don’t leave me!_

[Blasto raises his body a little, using his final breath to declare his undying passion for her then slumping in her arms]

URDNOT WREX: What a pyjak, seriously, one hit to a tentacle? He’s got like seven more, haven’t the hanar heard of redundant organ systems? [He makes a sound of disgust and turns away]

FL MOREAU: Wait, wait, we’re just getting up to the good bit. [He bounces excitedly, spilling popcorn everywhere]

LT ALENKO: Joker, I’m starting to think this wasn’t a gag movie choice…

[FL MOREAU merely shushes him with eyes that remained fixed on the screen, much to the amusement of LT ALENKO and CMDR SHEPARD, who seems to be studiously not acknowledging LT ALENKO’s arm behind her, though she seems to be sitting a little closer to him than before.]

CGO WILLIAMS: [Burps, putting down her third beer] Boooooo you’re a wussbag Blasto! How the heck have you survived for an eight movie franchise?!

[FL MOREAU grumbles, then leans over CMDR SHEPARD and LT ALENKO and gives the strings of her hoodie a great tug until all that’s left visible of her face is a pair of very narrowed eyes.]

CGO WILLIAMS: [Muffled] What the hell Joker? [She struggles to tug the hood loose again and promptly gets on her knees to crawl over CMDR SHEPARD and LT ALENKO and reach Joker]

[FL MOREAU shrinks away from her, holding his arm-in-a-cast up in defence]

CMDR SHEPARD: ALRIGHT, children, children, let’s all play nice! [CMDR SHEPARD deftly shoves CGO WILLIAMS until she topples off the couch onto a very disgruntled TALI Z’ORAH.]

CGO WILLIAMS: What the hell ma’am? He was being a jerk!

CMDR SHEPARD: He gets a free pass today, he broke himself. [Grinning at FL MOREAU]

FL MOREAU: Yeah and I did it saving you ungrateful sods! Next time, I won’t bother! [Crosses his arms petulantly]

CMDR SHEPARD: Oh god, I am literally THE MOM in this situation. I joined the Alliance so I could fight alongside the best of the best and I am literally breaking up childish arguments about fictional Hanar superheroes. [Her forehead smacks into her hand as she sighs]

[LT ALENKO pats her shoulder, comforting]

LT ALENKO: Well, they are the best, in their way. They’re just also a bit… [LT ALENKO struggles for the right word]

CMDR SHEPARD: Nuts?

LT ALENKO: [Swatting away the pillow FL MOREAU as thrown at CGO WILLIAMS without looking away from CMDR SHEPARD, grinning] Well, yeah, that about covers it.

[CMDR SHEPARD groans]

* * *

 

_An hour after that._

 

[CMDR SHEPARD is now definitely snuggled into LT ALENKO, much to the amused looks of everyone else. CGO WILLIAMS is sinking her fifth beer and looking decidedly buzzed while FL MOREAU’s head is tipped back against the couch and snoring loudly 

[Blasto floats over to the turian love interest being held hostage in the enemy headquarters, having had tentacle reconstructive surgery sometime before and been magically revitalised]

_Female Turian: Oh Blasto! You came back for me! I should never have doubted you!_

_Blasto: This one said he would return for you, come hell or high water._ [He gives her what is presumably a a long and smouldering look, though it’s hard to tell when he has no distinct ocular regions] _This one keeps his promises._

[The music swells again and the female Turian plants a heartfelt kiss on Blasto]

CGO WILLIAMS: Ew, where you reckon she’s kissing him? He’s got no bloody landmarks on his body, how is she supposed to know if she’s kissing somewhere, you know… private?

CMDR SHEPARD: [Winces] Thanks for that mental image Ashley…

[The end credits roll and the crew begins to shift, yawning and stretching, Joker wakes with a start.]

[LT ALENKO looks down at CMDR SHEPARD, still tucked under his arm that has gradually migrated to nestle directly on her shoulders]

CGO WILLIAMS: UGH Joker that was painful! I swear, I could do a better version of Blasto than that stupid Hanar!

FL MOREAU: [Gasps theatrically] How dare you defile the name of Blasto!

[CGO WILLIAMS rolls her eyes up so far CMDR SHEPARD raises her eyebrows and bends over to check they ended up back in the right spot]

[LT ALENKO stands, awkwardly holding out his hand to help CMDR SHEPARD up while trying to stay inconspicuous.]

LT ALENKO: [To CMDR SHEPARD] This was, uh, nice… [He struggles to get anything else out as she looks at him]

CMDR SHEPARD: [Winking at him] Sure was. You’re a handy hot water bottle, gotta keep you around!

[LT ALENKO looks a little deflated as he full on grins at him]

G VAKARIAN: [Innocently] Are you feeling alright there Kaidan? [He taps his visor, switching visual overlays] Your heartbeat just spiked and you seem to be sweating.

LIARA T’SONI: Indeed, your cheeks are a little pink as well. Do you need to see Dr Chakwas? Or is this some sort of courting ritual between humans?

[LT ALENKO chokes while CMDR SHEPARD just rocks back on her heels, grinning]

LT ALENKO: I’m…I’m fine…

[URDNOT WREX stomps over to him and cuffs him on the shoulder. LT ALENKO staggers]

URDNOT WREX: Just get it out of your system and rut with her kid, it’s best for everyone. [In an undertone] Don’t have to smell your bloody pheromones every time she walks into the room.

[G VAKARIAN nods sagely. LT ALENKO opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish while CMDR SHEPARD crams a hand over her mouth while her shoulders shake silently]

TALI Z’ORAH: Oh leave him alone, they’re just winding you up Kaidan. [She grabs his wrist and tugs him toward the elevator] We’ll leave them to their juvenile behaviour. Night Shepard!

[CMDR SHEPARD swings toward URDNOT WREX as the elevator doors close. He seems completely oblivious of the whole situation]

CMDR SHEPARD: Pheromones Wrex? Really?

[URDNOT WREX fixes her with one great eye, unconcernedly]

URDNOT WREX: Every time you’re near him. Worse than the grunts on Tuchanka after the initiation ritual. Practically have to hold my breath when he’s around.

[CMDR SHEPARD leans back for a moment, mouth quirked into a half smile as she considered]

CMDR SHEPARD: Guess I’ll take that as a compliment for my feminine wiles then.

[CMDR SHEPARD grins at G VAKARIAN who lets out a laugh]                                  

LIARA T’SONI: So what is the human courting ritual? I have never observed it.

G VAKARIAN: [Seriously] Well it’s a carefully crafted dance in which the male behaves awkwardly and hides his feelings for several months while fooling no one, and then the female takes pity on him and finally accepts him as a mate. It’s… uncomfortable to watch. Lots of groaning. Not much clothing. You get my drift.

CMDR SHEPARD: Hey! Who’s taking _pity_ on him?

G VAKARIAN: Well apparently you Commander; after all it’s your ritual… [She shoots him a squinty-eyed look]

LIARA T’SONI: [Looking completely absorbed by this idea] Fascinating! So when you mate what does this groaning symbolise? Is there a deeper meaning instilled by your culture?

[It’s CMDR SHEPARD’s turn to choke this time.]

* * *

 

_Half an hour after everyone else has gone to bed._

 

[CGO WILLIAMS stumbles into the bathroom on the crew deck, humming to herself and holding a toothbrush and toothpaste in her hand. She is dressed from head to toe in a bright pink, fluffy Blasto onesie, head and chest covered by the pear-shaped body and wiggly tentacles extending out to hang around her body.]

[She goes about washing her face and brushing her teeth, flicking the tentacles out of the way as needed before turning towards the door.]

[She pauses for a moment, looking at her reflection in the mirror calculatingly. Suddenly, she drops into a combat crouch, making a pistol with one fist and grabbing a side tentacle with the other. Her eyes narrow as she pretends to scan the surrounding area for hostiles, slowly panning across the imaginary terrain. Then she whips out her gun hand, pointing it at the sink and smirking at her reflection.]

CGO WILLIAMS: Should’ve known who you were messing with… [She ducks out of the way of some imaginary oncoming fire, rolling to the side and retaking her position.]

CGO WILLIAMS: That’s it! [She gets to her feet and stands tall, her pistol-shaped hand now pressed against her foe]

CGO WILLIAMS: Hey asshole! [She hits the button on the tentacle she’s still holding in her other hand, and Blasto’s voice issues from the suit]

_BLASTO: ENKINDLE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER._

 

 


	12. Scrap Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**0755, Day cycle Alpha.24**

 

RE: Transit time

 

All crew—we will be in transit to Thisarne until 1230 tomorrow. Until then, we will be working on a rotating skeleton crew and all crewmembers are permitted liberty. LT Alenko will be posting rosters shortly.

Go nuts!

…On second thoughts don’t. We’ll end up landing on Thisarne in a tin can with an electric fan tacked on the back…

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>0758, FL MOREAU. _So how does one fly a tin can with electric-fan-propulsion-system?_

>>0801, CMDR SHEPARD. _If it’s all the same to you Joker, I’d rather not find out…_

>>0805, FL MOREAU. _Where’s that famous can-do attitude Shepard??_

>>0807, TALI Z’ORAH. _What do you think Adams? Could we make it work? The picture on my omnitool looks a little…un-aerodynamic but the fan blade looks strong. Perhaps if we could rig it to a mass effect generator we could produce enough thrust to facilitate forward movement…No flux capacitors to manage the power surges though and we’d have to keep the radial heat in check without heat sinks… I wonder…_

>>0810, ENG ADAMS. _Well if_ _we routed the heat through coiled heat distributors we could spread the heat over the widest surface area and thus maximise coolant function. And by reinforcing the structural mechanism of the rotation axle in the fan blade then mounting it directly to the mass effect core the extraneous cables and communications piping would be minimised…Could work._

>>0811, CMDR SHEPARD. _GUYS. I was JUST KIDDING. Please don’t build a working tin can space ship. You’ll probably incinerate the ship we already have in the process._

>>0814, FL MOREAU. _Don’t be silly Shepard, they couldn’t do that! Where would they get the giant tin can?_

>>0817, CMDR SHEPARD. _Yes Joker. That is the ONLY problem with that plan._

**_End of Post._ **

* * *

 

>>CGO WILLIAMS

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1010, Day cycle Alpha.24**

RE: Comic relief.

 

This one time, at N school, Shepard laughed in the face of an oncoming bullet. It dropped to the ground and played dead.

\--Love Ash

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1015, FL MOREAU. _HAHAHAHAHA_

>>1017, G VAKARIAN. _I can just imagine it, I’ve been on the other side of that death stare. It’s bone chilling._

>>1018, CGO WILLIAMS. _You know it, Big G._

>>1019, CMDR SHEPARD. _Hmm. I feel this is good for my reputation. I like it._

>>1020, G VAKARIAN. _Ok, what about this. This one time, at N school, Shepard ran so fast that she stayed still and the world rotated beneath her._

>>1023, LT ALENKO: _Hehehe_

>>1025, FL MOREAU. _Oh, oh, I’ve got one: This one time, in N school, Shepard kicked a guy so hard he literally landed in next week._

>>1027, TALI Z’ORAH. _Shepard! Is that true?_

>>1028, LIARA T’SONI. _That poor man…_

>>1031, FL MOREAU. _Dead serious guys,_ _the dude vanished off the face of the earth for like three days. They had search parties for him and everything._

>>1035, LIARA T’SONI. _How awful! His family must have been worried sick. Shepard, you should be ashamed of yourself, I hope you apologised to him._

>>1037, CMDR SHEPARD. _-sigh-_

>>1042, FL MOREAU. _Still enjoying yourself Commander?_

==FL MOREAU has been banned from posting for 3 DAYS by CMDR SHEPARD==

>>1046, CMDR SHEPARD. _Suck it Joker!_

>>1050, FL MOREAU. _Come on Shepard, you should know better than that by now._

>>1053, CMDR SHEPARD. _HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS???_

* * *

 

>>LT ALENKO

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1624, Day cycle Alpha.24**

 

RE: Location?

 

Where is everyone? I’ve pinged you all and checked everywhere but it’s like the ship has been abandoned… I’m starting to get concerned. What are you getting up to? Should I be concerned?

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1635, LT ALENKO. _The silence is deafening. What is going on?!_

>>1647, CMDR SHEPARD. _Now that you mention it, it has been quiet for several hours now… and Joker, Garrus and the Engineering boys aren’t up for their weekly poker game in the Mess. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!_

>>1655, LT ALENKO. _Shakespeare, Shepard?_

>>1703, CMDR SHEPARD. _-shrugs-, seemed appropriate at the time._

>>1710, LT ALENKO. _Think we should actually track them all down?_

>>1711, CMDR SHEPARD. _Probably… I’m worried I’ll hear an explosion at any minute and the ship will begin to disintegrate around me._

>>1713, LT ALENKO. _Hmm. Where would they be most likely to get up to mischief?_

>>1714, CMDR SHEPARD. _CARGO BAY!_

>>1714, LT ALENKO. _CARGO BAY!_

_-_

>>1941, FL MOREAU has added a video clip. [CMDR SHEPARD begins to sprint to the elevator from where she’d been sneaking an extra ration of ice cream in the Mess. LT ALENKO runs out of the bathroom with wet hair and only one sock on, barrelling after her.]

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

>>FL MOREAU

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1955, Day cycle Alpha.24**

RE: Meanwhile…

 

This post has an audiovisual component. Please scan this post with your omnitool to view.

 

**[Surveillance footage], 1212, Day cycle Alpha.24**

**Engineering section, Normandy SR-1.**

 

TALI Z’ORAH: Well we have the time… and Keelah there’s nothing else to do on this boat. If Ash makes us watch Die Hard again I’m going to throw up in my suit. And that would still be better than the movie.

ENG ADAMS: Doesn’t McClane talk about a tin can in there somewhere?...anyway, if we split up the engineers and tack on crewmembers we could form teams. Each team has only what materials they can dig up from the ship, and we congregate for a showdown at, say, 1700.

TALI Z’ORAH: [Bumps fists with ENG ADAMS] May the best man, or actually Quarian, win! You’re going down!

[Instead of replying, ENG ADAMS simply sprints headlong from the room aiming for the elevator and his choice of team members]

TALI Z’ORAH: HEY I THOUGHT WE HADN’T STARTED YET! [TALI Z’ORAH dashes for the elevator too only to find it closing in front of ENG ADAMS’ gloating face] Damn bosh’tet…

* * *

 

**[Surveillance footage], 1720, Day cycle Alpha.24**

**Cargo Bay, Normandy SR-1.**

[CMDR SHEPARD and LT ALENKO burst from the elevator at the same time and then immediately stop dead, surveying the chaos around them. The whole floor of the Cargo bay is covered in rejected pieces of plastic, metal fragments and various other tools and debris that had been discarded during the creative process. Hammers and laser cutters are strewn over the work benches, a solder iron is quietly smoking in its holder and complicated diagrams cover one wall of the bay. CMDR SHEPARD opens her mouth, but no words come out. LT ALENKO just looks shell-shocked]

TALI Z’ORAH: [Stunned, voice strangely high-pitched] Shepard! Kaidan! I didn’t think you would be down here this afternoon, we were just---

[CMDR SHEPARD looks over to the centre of the room where the whole crew is congregated around something. FL MOREAU is hurriedly shoving a wad of credits into his shirt pocket inconspicuously and G VAKARIAN instantly snatches back the further money he had been holding out. TALI Z’ORAH’s hood is slightly askew and herself, ENG ADAMS and TA HUTCHISON are all covered in grease, metal shavings, and what looks like a few burn holes in ENG ADAMS’ uniform. CMDR SHEPARD simply stares, open-mouthed.]

CMDR SHEPARD: What…what…happened? [The crew all start talking at once]

G VAKARIAN: Well, it’s like this—

CGO WILLIAMS: Ma’am, we just thought it would be fun to—

LIARA T’SONI: They told me it would be enjoyable if—

[CMDR SHEPARD glares at them and they all fall silent instantly]

CMDR SHEPARD: Tali. What is going on. _Why does my cargo bay look like a pig’s sty?!_

LIARA T’SONI: [Aside to G VAKARIAN] What is a pigs-tie?

[G VAKARIAN chuckles, and motions that he’ll explain later]

TALI Z’ORAH: Um, well, we’re just in the final stages of…it seemed like a good idea to… we couldn’t think of anything else to do…

[CMDR SHEPARD gives an impressive eye roll, then stalks forward towards them. A path through the crew forms rapidly until she stops dead in her tracks, staring. In front of her, an emptied cargo contained lid is filled with about a foot of water and bobbing on the surface are four handmade, Frankenstein-style tin can boats, complete with jury-rigged propulsion systems and in some cases, decorations including a pink cocktail umbrella. She stares at them for a moment, puttering around in the tub, with her mouth slightly agape. LT ALENKO also standing speechless behind her.]

CMDR SHEPARD: You…you actually made tin can ships…like we were talking about before.

FL MOREAU: Well you only said we couldn’t build a big one, so we sort of thought since we had the time we’d see who could make the best in miniature. We’re about to have a race to see, you know, whose goes fastest.

CMDR SHEPARD: Whose… goes fastest?

ENG ADAMS: Yeah! Turns out each of us went for a different propulsion tactic, I think ours is—

[CMDR SHEPARD holds out a hand to stop him, other hand over her eyes and a pained expression on her face]

CMDR SHEPARD: You’ve been on break for what, 10 hours give or take? [CMDR SHEPARD looks from one face to another slowly] And have had nothing but what’s on the ship to wreak havoc with [CMDR SHEPARD’s eyes rest on an abashed TALI Z’ORAH and uncomfortable ENG ADAMS] and you chose to make tiny tin can ships and float them in a wading pool. THAT’S what you came up with.

[Deafening silence. CMDR SHEPARD’s face is a stony mask as she stares down each of them in turn. TALI Z’ORAH squeaks a little in fright]

[CMDR SHEPARD lets them dangle for a second longer. Then rocks back on her heels with a shit-eating grin on her face and lets out a bark of laughter.]

CMDR SHEPARD: You dorks! Of all the things you could possibly do while at liberty on the ship, you chose to have what I’m sure was a very serious and hard fought battle of the ages to see who could make the best tin can ship. [She shrugs, resignedly] Well I guess you could have been doing something that might’ve blown up the actual ship, so in comparison I guess this isn’t so bad.

CGO WILLIAMS: Well actually Commander, Adams created a tiny mass effect core for his and when he was manipulating the eezo into the combustion chamber he made out of a laser cutter housing he nearly—Ooph! [ENG ADAMS has elbowed her sharply in the side]

CMDR SHEPARD: [Shaking her head, long sufferingly] Deep breaths, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I don’t even want to think about where you got the eezo. Or what safety precautions you ignored. Oh god you probably crawled into the drivecore didn’t you? [Shudders] You’ll all be the death of me on the bloody ship, not the missions!

[LT ALENKO grins, shaking his head]

TALI Z’ORAH: Yeah, some of us took the safer route and didn’t risk the lives of everybody aboard the _actual_ ship. [Pointing to a small canister painted blue with swirls, and a tiny propeller dipping over the back into the water. A small mechanical engine is attached to it] _I_ got the capacitor from the hot water system and the cooling fan from a powertool. Simple always wins. That micro-core is all bark and no bite! [She carefully, gently nudges his canister-boat away from the edge where it had gotten stuck in a corner]

[LT ALENKO sighs, somewhat chagrined]

LT ALENKO: Guess that’s why the shower was cold then… [TALI Z’ORAH has the grace to look embarrassed]

CGO WILLIAMS: That’s not simple! Leave it to the humans to come up with the most ingenious solution! [CGO WILLIAMS looks proudly at TA HUTCHISON and MS Gardner] Water bottle, glue, balloon and a straw, that’s all you need!

[CGO WILLIAMS points to an ordinary plastic water bottle floating in the water, a straw passed through the bottom into the water and a balloon taped to the other side. The balloon has run out of puff and the whole object looks a bit forlorn and pathetic]

[CMDR SHEPARD takes one look at it and stifles a laugh with difficulty]

CMDR SHEPARD: So you haven’t found out which is best yet? No races or anything?

TALI Z’ORAH: No, we were going to do a best of three speed run—

[CMDR SHEPARD raises her arms out wide dramatically, looking significantly at each in turn before booming:]

CMDR SHEPARD: VERY WELL THEN. LET THE GAMES _BEGIN_.

* * *

_Anyone else do this at school? I won with the water bottle/straw/balloon hehehe_

_What's you 'This one time, at N school' joke?_

_Let me know what you thought :) and suggestions are welcome!_


	13. And the winner is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>>CMDR SHEPARD

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1137, Day cycle Alpha.25**

 

RE: Competition in review

As promised, the results of last night’s festivities! Before they are recorded here for posterity I’d like to thank Garrus for his quick thinking in managing the…incident. More on that later.

Entries were judged by myself and Lt Alenko on several categories and awarded up to ten points per category for criteria fulfilled. Three teams participated in this battle royale, and they were:

 

TEAM COOL: Bossley, Garrus, Engineer Adams. _Emptied rocket canister (ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?), miniature mass effect core._

TECHTONIC: Tali, Liara, Joker. _Canister based, teeny capacitor-engine and propeller._

KICKASS: Ashley, MS Gardner, TA Hutchison. _Plastic water bottle, straw and balloon propulsion system._

 

 **CATEGORY 1: DESIGN**. _What aesthetic does the construct embody? Does it employ economy of design? Is it pleasing to look at?_

==TEAM COOL:

[ _Commander Shepard says_ ] 8 points for aerodynamic nature of rocket casing, very streamlined and pleasing to look at. Minus 5 points for endangering the crew by taking apart a rocket. NET RESULT: 3 points.

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] Slick lines and muted colours make this boat look like a serious contender and not one to mess around with. I’d give it 9 points. Then agree with Shepard and deduct 5 for live ammo tampering. NET RESULT: 4 points.

==TECHTONIC:

[ _Commander Shepard says_ ] I feel the painted aspect of the canister embodies the diverse and cultural nature of the team, the artistry is impressive for a short preparation time. The engine sits nicely in its housing and it is all-round a polished product. 8/10.

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] This entry lacks the aerodynamic nature of the first, but adds an artistic flare. 7/10

==KICKASS: [ _Commander Shepard says_ ] What this model lacks in style it somewhat regains in simplicity and ease of construction. 2 points for overall product, additional 4 bonus points for finding a balloon on an interstellar ship. NET RESULT: 6 points.

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] This design made me nostalgic for simpler times. For that, I give it 5/10.

STANDINGS: TEAM COOL (7 POINTS), TECHTONIC (15 POINTS), KICKASS (11 POINTS).

 

**CATEGORY 2: PROPULSION SYSTEM.** _ What propulsion system does the ship use? Does it use a simple or ingenious design? _

==TEAM COOL:

[ _Commander Shepard says_ ] 15 out of 10 points for ingenuity (what can I say), creating a miniaturised mass effect core in less than five hours is _impressive._ Unfortunately, security footage shows the Engineer Adams did, in fact, sneak into the drive core to steal eezo. Then brought it into an unshielded area for manipulation. Without a suit. Minus 5 points for that one. Then there’s the matter of the small explosion, helpfully contained by the ever alert Garrus. Minus five points for explosion, plus three points for efficient containment. NET RESULT: 8 points.

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] Tiny working mass effect core for tin can ship competition? 10/10

==TECHTONIC:

[ _Commander Shepard says_ ] A streamlined and effective solution to propel the boat using readily available (and NONHAZARDOUS) materials. Plus 2 points for ability to steer remotely. 8/10

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] A simpler solution that uses conventional and available technology. Minus 4 points for causing my cold shower. 5/10

==KICKASS:

[ _Commander Shepard says_ ] 4 points for using the most basic materials to make a propulsion system that is capable of good acceleration. Again, two points for finding the balloon and another two for the straw. Minus 3 for limitation of propulsion by balloon volume. That’s a 5/10 from me.

[ _Lt Alenko says_ ] This technology is on par with a primary school science project. 2/10.

STANDINGS: TEAM COOL (25 POINTS), TECHTONIC (28 POINTS), KICKASS (18 POINTS)

 

 **CATEGORY 3: FINAL DASH** _Who wins in a race from one side of the tub to the other? Winner gets ten points, second gets five, loser gets none._ [Transcript of CMDR SHEPARD’s live commentary]

== _TEAM COOL_ _started strong and took an early and commanding lead with TECHTONIC hard on its heels and KICKASS accelerating fast behind them. KICKASS’s balloon is at about 50% capacity and the boat is still growing from, set to take the lead! And KICKASS races past but in a shattering moment for the R &D team the balloon has expelled all the air it contained and the ship is now dead in the water! TECHTONIC is gaining from last position to come nose to nose with the ship from TEAM COOL. TEAM COOL manages to hold the lead as they come to the home strait until…OH NO, SOMEONE GET THAT OUT OF THE TUB, WHERE’S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER BEFORE THE WHOLE CARGO BAY GETS COVERED IN FOAM AGAIN—RIGHT THERE—YEP—Ladies and gentlemen oh no TEAM COOL has suffered a calamity in the final moments of the race as its mass effect core explodes into sparks and flames! That is a disqualification under Section 23 subparagraph F of the Charter for Tin Can Boat racing that I just made up right now! So, the winner is…the boat from TECHTONIC! TECHTONIC wins the day after TEAM COOL flames out and KICKASS runs out of puff! Congratulations TECHTONIC._

POINTS AWARDED: TECHTONIC (1ST, +10 POINTS), TEAM COOL (2ND, +5 POINTS), KICKASS (0 POINTS)

 

OVERALL STANDINGS: And the winner is…. (insert drumroll here)… TECHTONIC with 38 points, followed by a close second of TEAM COOL with 30 points and distant third KICKASS with 18 points.

 

As promised, the members of TECHTONIC will all received a free drink from myself, and one get out of jail free card for use at any time while on the ship. This allows you to get out of ONE TROUBLE while aboard ship. Eat the last muffin and someone gets angry? Get out of jail free. Accidentally flood the shower? Get out of jail free. Get caught rollerskating in the mess after hours? GOOJF. (DO NOT get any ideas.)

You’ve all done me proud. Let’s go save the universe now.

Shepard out.

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1140 FL MOREAU. Are those get out of jail free cards transferrable? Asking for a friend.

>>1141, CMDR SHEPARD. _NO!_

>>1145, FL MOREAU. Yeesh, keep your pants on woman!

>>1147, CMDR SHEPARD. _YOU WANT TO RETHINK THAT RESPONSE JOKER?_

>>1148, FL MOREAU. _UHHHH no ma’am! I mean, yes ma’am! You’re a great skipper ma’am and you’re going to kick Saren’s butt so hard his turian balls come out his nose, ma’am!_

>>1150, CGO WILLIAMS. _Ewww_

>>1153, CMDR SHEPARD. _Not the mental image I was looking for, but I’ll let this one slide Joker…_

>>1157, FL MOREAU. _Always knew she was a sucker for a compliment._

>>1204, CMDR SHEPARD. _WHERE IS HE? I’M GOING TO BREAK HIS BRITTLE ASS!_

>>1205, FL MOREAU. _QUICK! SOMEONE HIDE ME!_ _RUUUUUUUUUN…_

**_End of Post._ **

* * *

What do you think each character would do with their GOOJF card?

Also, looove to hear what you think :)

 


	14. Drunk or a Kid? Part 1: Ashley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we ask: were they drunk, or a kid?  
> To begin, Ashley.
> 
> Sorry for the delay, been away for a while--just a short one today but Shepard, Tali, Wrex and Alenko to come soon.  
> Enjoy and let me know what you think!! :)
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>>CGO WILLIAMS

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1036, Day Cycle Alpha.25**

 

RE: Drunk or a kid?

 

Everyone has to post one, winner for most accurate guessing gets double dessert ration tonight. (Thanks Gardner!) Ready?

 

\--> One time, I decided it would be a good idea to ride a unicycle down the stairs at a friend’s house.

And go!

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1040, CMDR SHEPARD. _How big was the staircase?_

>>1043, CGO WILLIAMS. _A full flight between floors, and steep because there was really no space for a staircase there._

>>1047, LT ALENKO. _Can you actually ride a unicycle?_

>>1051, CGO WILLIAMS. _I ran away to the circus when I was five and have travelled the land performing acts that will astonish and inspire…No, Alenko, I cannot ride a unicycle._

>>1059, CMDR SHEPARD. _DRUNK. I’M CALLING DRUNK, YOU WERE SO DRUNK._

>>1103, TALI Z’ORAH. _How does one ride a unicycle? They look very unstable._

>>1105, CGO WILLIAMS. _I am yet to figure it out. Let’s just say it did NOT go well._

>>1110, URDNOT WREX. _I’m going with kid._

>>1112, FL MOREAU. _Drunk, I can totally see drunk-you doing that after your antics on the Presidium last shore leave…_

>>1115, CGO WILLIAMS. _I still haven’t forgiven you for posting those videos… how the heck did you get a hold of C-Sec footage anyway?_

>>1120, FL MOREAU. _Hey, don’t complain at me, you definitely got your own back… Garrus called me Cindy for a week afterwards._

>>1121, G VAKARIAN. _I still have that squeak you made as my omnitool alert tone._

>>1123, CMDR SHEPARD. _Yeah, I learned this much to my dismay during a Council meeting. I don’t think Sparatus was impressed at the influence a mixed species crew and rebel human Spectre commander is having on you, Garrus._

>>1125, CGO WILLIAMS. _I take it back, it was totally worth it just to hear all of that._

>>1127, FL MOREAU. _Eat me, Chuckles._

>>1128, CGO WILLIAMS. _UGH I am SERIOUSLY REGRETTING telling you that story._

>>1130, TALI Z’ORAH. _Getting back to drunk vs kid, what actually happened with said unicycle escapade?_

>>1133, CGO WILLIAMS. _My head went through a prefab wall and I got a concussion. Was sort of cross-eyed for a few days but otherwise fine._

>>1137, LT ALENKO. _Ok, last call people, place your bets!_

>>1140, CMDR SHEPARD. _I’m sticking with drunk._

>>1142, FL MOREAU. _DRUNK OFF YO ASSSSSSSS_

>>1143, G VAKARIAN. _Kid._

>>1144, TALI Z’ORAH. _I think you were a child._

>>1145, URDNOT WREX. _kid_.

>>1145, LT ALENKO. _Mmm I’m going with kid. Who has a unicycle as an adult?_

>>1150, CGO WILLIAMS. _Alright, no other takers? Ok then, drumroll please…. I was…_

>>1151, CGO WILLIAMS. _DRUUUUUUUUNK._

>>1151, CMDR SHEPARD. _YES, SUCK IT ALENKO_

>>1152, LT ALENKO. _Hey what did I do?_

>>1153, FL MOREAU. _Hahaha what the hell were you doing that night??_

>>1154, CGO WILLIAMS. _It was the night we finished basic training so we were all letting loose in a house someone had near the base. I spent the remaining three days of shore leave bumping into doorframes and seeing double. My CO was not pleased when the docs said I had to delay shipping out for a few days hahaha… not the most promising start to my otherwise illustrious career._

>>1155, CMDR SHEPARD. _Hehehe_

>>1155, CMDR SHEPARD. _Alrighty, who’s next!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a review and I'll love you forever ;)
> 
> Got a good drunk/kid story? What do you reckon the others did?


	15. Drunk or a Kid? Part 2: Wrex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WREX! You're up buddy.  
> Enjoy :)  
> \--AT
> 
> \-->This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!

>>URDNOT WREX

TO

>>ALL CREW

**1202, Day Cycle Alpha.25**

RE: drunk or a kidd

stole the chieftains hump crest from a rival clan. Got caught werring it and doing a mating dance in the female camp. Nerly started a clan warr

 

**COMMENTS ENABLED.**

>>1205, LT ALENKO. _That is a mental image I cannot unsee._ _It is burned into my mind’s eye. A mating dance. Holy moly._

>>1205, TALI Z’ORAH. _Surely if you were doing a mating dance you would have had to be drunk right?_

>>1207, CMDR SHEPARD. _I don’t know, I wouldn’t put it past a baby Wrex to do that…_

>>1210, G VAKARIAN. _OH SPIRITS DO NOT LOOK UP KROGAN MATING DANCES ON THE EXTRANET. QUICK, GET ME SOME BLEACH I CAN POUR IN MY EYES…_

>>1213, CMDR SHEPARD. _Surely it can’t be THAT bad._

>>1215, CMDR SHEPARD. _NO IT’S WORSE, SERIOUSLY DON’T, THAT SHIT IS F[REDACTED]ED. GARRUS, WHERE’S THAT BLEACH. I DON’T NEED MY SIGHT TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE RIGHT?_

>>1220, FL MOREAU. _Did you get the girl?_

>>1222, URDNOT WREX. _sadly no, krogan females are a picky bunch. Took them a wile to get me down thogh, no one cood scale the wall to the ledge I was on. got quite an audience, someone set up some music, think it was from Earth…_

>>1225, CGO WILLIAMS. _Oh man, what song was it???_

>> 1228, URDNOT WREX. _was a while ago now… someone called Bee-on-say?_

>>1230, CMDR SHEPARD. _THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE. NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THIS. LIFE MADE._

>>1235, CGO WILLIAMS. _OH. MY. GOODNESS._

>>1239, LT ALENKO. _No…_

>>1241, CMDR SHEPARD. _PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS THIS SONG. [Link: Extranet video, ‘All the single ladies’ music video]_

>>1245, URDNOT WREX. _Does sound familiar… think that mite have been it. come to think of it, it may have been some humans that were there. Pyjaks had their omnitools filming the hol thing. Something about ‘observing primitive cultures’._

>>1250, CGO WILLIAMS. _*dies*_

>>1252, FL MOREAU. _There are no words. I am literally speechless. My stomach muscles are cramping because I’m laughing so hard._

>>1257, CMDR SHEPARD. _I can just imagine him lip syncing to it and doing the booty dance… ‘If you like it then you should have put a ring on it!’ to the females XD XD_

>>1258, CGO WILLIAMS. _Did you do a strip tease Wrex?? Did you show those ladies how big your hump is? You know what they say about a krogan with a big hump… *eyebrow waggle*_

>>1303, LT ALENKO. _Wow, this somehow ended up in an even more disturbing place. How is that possible?_

>>1307, URDNOT WREX. _I was alredy werring the traditional mating dance dress, loincloth made of varren skin with a fringe of their teeth._

>>1310, LT ALENKO. _OH GOD PLEASE STOP._

>>1315, CGO WILLIAMS. _Ok folks, place your bets! Before Alenko has an aneurysm._

>>1317, FL MOREAU. _Drunk. Surely if it was a mating dance he’d have to have been drunk._

>>1321, LT ALENKO. _Agreed. The alternative is just too much to contemplate. I reckon he was pissed._

>>1329, CMDR SHEPARD. _Tali? You’ve been awfully quiet this round._

>>1331, G VAKARIAN. _She’s sitting in the battery with me, hands around her knees, rocking. I think Tali’s forfeiting this round. I’m going with drunk too._

>>1337, CMDR SHEPARD. _I’m going to be slightly controversial. Kid._

>>1345, CGO WILLIAMS. _Ok Wrex, spill. Drunk or a kid?_

>>1349, G VAKARIAN. _I’m on tenterhooks here._

>>1350, URDNOT WREX. _it was a week befor my 109 th birthday._

>>1359, CMDR SHEPARD. _Hmm. I’m not sure what category that falls into then…_

>>1403, LT ALENKO. _Well they say that one human year of growth is worth about nine krogan years. So he was—_

>>1405, CMDR SHEPARD. TWELVE? YOU WERE TWELVE? WREX, you dirty bastard! Damned if I’m not a little proud of you.

>>1410, URDNOT WREX. _guess it werked because since the genophage was cured the females have been lining up for me… had to hide in the food store with an ice pack for my bits last time I went back to Tuchanka…_

>>1412, CGO WILLIAMS. _Sweet mother of god…_

**_End of post._ **

* * *

 

_Somewhere, hidden deep in the Krogan archives (which is really just a disused bunker they occasionally throw old optical discs into) lies a datapad, cracked and paint flaking with age. On it, is one very special surveillance video, a gift as yet ungiven to the world. Wrex, doing the Single Ladies dance in a loincloth and hump crest. You're welcome._


End file.
